I wake up in our beautiful Sedona home at 6am to a stunning view of the mountains. Literally as still, there are no window coverings. I pray the next time I’m here I can actually get a good night’s sleep without the sun blasting in my eyes. I’m a night owl, so this restful retreat isn’t offering me much rest, yet. I’m over this phase, seriously.
I also wake up to my brother screaming downstairs “everybody’s going to Hell”. He’s belligerent with me today saying “they are saying they love you but you’re still evil Kathy”. I live in his Hell too. I’m over this too, seriously. I’ve been living in it 24/7 for over a week now, this level of psychosis.
We were invited to dinner last night. John declined. He knew he was too sick to go. I went though and returned to him locked in his room, unresponsive. I found the key to unlock it and found him near catatonic on his balcony just repeating “I need to go to bed” but unable to move. i gave him his meds and he was able to get up and walk three steps and fall fully clothed on top of his bed. I’m over the constant worry and not having much of my own life, seriously. Even away from him, his illness invades my thoughts.
I also returned, in the middle of this to a comment here focusing on how I’ve let my father off the hook too easily from the childhood abuse, how I need to confront him on what a horrible parent he was and the various ways he’s wronged me that I’m “misdirecting” my anger about. Yes in the middle of this crisis, this person thinks I should be thinking about that. I’m over this kind of lack of sensitivity, seriously. I’m good with my Dad, promise.
Yesterday afternoon I was confronted on Facebook by someone I’ve “known” (on Facebook) for three years, on the food issue, AGAIN. She’s a Vegan, an animal activist and has frequently chimed in on my eating habits. I’m a foodie so often post pictures of food. Yesterday she felt the need to go after it again, confronting me on pics I had posted of the hamburgers my brother cooked for us, escalating to these words:
“One day you will realize throwing up photos of butchered animals is not representing a conscious person of bodywork”
The offending photo was of two gorgeous plates with fully cooked hamburgers on them, seriously.
I befriended this person because she’s the mother of a homicide victim. She posts graphic photos of tortured animals on her page and sometimes sends them out in her “activism”. She uses Facebook to promote those agendas. I basically promote the comings and goings of my life like most people do. I’ve told this person in the past if she kept harassing me with these agendas , I’d have to unfriend her. This was after an episode where I had been sick and she felt the need to chastise me for my eating habits and if only I lived like her I’d not have gotten sick.
If I lived like her, I’d not have a home or successful career and be broke. Just sayin. Who’s judging who about their career, seriously?
I unfriended her and she went out swinging alternately pointing out my failure at adequately feeding my brother and contributing to the demise of morality while reminding me what a good friend she’s been and offering to come visit me and give me a session. Oh and she had to throw in how “self centered” I am because I eat meat, with a parenthetical ” don’t take that personally”. Did I mention I’ve never met this person? I refrained from calling her a lunatic like I wanted and blocked her.
What I’m seeing here is a weird predatory behavior going on. Like “I see you’re overwhelmed with something else so now is the time to make my move”.
Pardon my vulgarity, but what the fuck is that about?
Listen world, I’ve got all I can handle on my plate right now. My brother is outside yelling at his voices and its just 7:27 am. These are long days.
What am I to learn here?
One thing is how to swiftly block and remove this kind of thing. Next is to learn to just ignore it.
Or maybe I have that backward. How many of us err on the side of being too nice?
This all happened in just one day. Is this part and parcel of what comes with blogging about your life?
What I do know , is I’m over it, seriously.
two innocents 
Prayers. I don’t blame you for being over it. I am sorry, my friend.
Hugs and prayers to you, Kathy. You are absolutely right to be over those who always seem to know better. I hope John feels better soon. Thinking of you.
Blessings, Kathy, to you and your brother. Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself. It’s totally understandable that you are over it. What help can you get now? Love to you … Pinna
Just sending hugs and prayers for you both, Kathy, and wishing I could do more. I can’t begin to imagine what this must be like. Now go fortify yourself with a yummy comfort food breakfast and enjoy every bite! 🙂
Seriously, you are not too kind ..some people are too cruel…it especially iirks me when it is clothed in spirituality, religiousity, or just because. Hugs and block and unfriend as is necessary for your own sanity. I I am going to store today and will be getting a candle to light for you and Alfonse…praying grace and mercy for you both. Peace dear KCL!
Kiminnm
Appreciate your blogs Kathy! and I appreciate your honest convo with me yesterday in the middle of all you are facing! Know I pray for you! You are an amazing light and pillar of the MFR family where I still feel blessed just to be invited to the table. I dreamt about John and many of you last night – not positive if I saw your face, but there were lots of hugs!
OOOOOOhhhhh Precious Peony Kathy . . .
At the risk of redundancy – I am once again speechless.
The only thing I can offer is understanding about others’ knowing so much about what one should or should not eat. I’ve been a Type 1 Diabetic since the age of 4. I’ll be 60 later this month. I (like you) am a foodie. My all time favorite is a banana split with the banana on the side so as to get more of the gooey caramel, chocolate and strawberry toppings. The salted pecans (I think but not certain) are Heaven-sent. I do forgo the whipped cream so I can tell myself that it’s now low-fat. Of course custard has so few calories LOLLLLLLLL. Mind you Kathy, ‘CULVERS’ is so good here that Fond du Lac has two of them. I don’t know how to post a picture here or I would send one next time Al (hubby) brings one home for me. He works in FdL which is 15 miles from home The beauty of medical technology today is that home blood-sugar monitoring allows for so much more freedom than when I was a girl growing up. The thing is that those not living my life may still say “Oh you can’t have that”. Well, guess again girlfriend. Would you like a primer on how far technology has come since you first heard of diabetes (That would be my reply to “You Can’t”).
Alfonse’s burgers really looked scrumptious If that’s mayo underneath the fixings, it comes real close to a California burger. The mac salad looks to die for. You made me hungry and alas, I have nothing in the line of ingredients for the side mac salad.
Prayers and Love for Yourself and Alfonse (John)
XXXOOO Paula
First I want to say how amazing I think you are. You have been so amazing & have overcome so much, I just can’t believe it. It’s just incredible to me that anyone could say anything so hurtful and just plain mean after reading your story & all of the things you have done for your family &the families of murder victims. Please dont let this person & anyone else like this get to you. I “know” you from WS & I admire you so much. You very courageous to share your experiences & anyone who can’t or won’t see what kind if person
You are, then it’s their loss. Sending prayers your way!
Thank you for this blog! I am so seriously over it all too and will be moving to New York in August. Your strength is what I am needing now. How I needed to see your thoughts in printed words today. Seriously, hope we can get together for another margarita feast before I head out!!! xxoo
Barb! Yes we need to..,when are you leaving??
Well, I am going up to Portland first for a nice two week visit on the 13th! Then home 27th and heading out August 8th. Let me know when you are available sweetie….but you might have to drive me home lolololol! Thinking of you and sending you both love…so maybe next summer I will see you at Wells, Maine having a lobster roll at Cape Neddick LH!
I will be at Wells mid September this year! Wanna come up?
I’ll be in Mexico July 6-13…after that.
YES! Please keep in touch with me 🙂 I would love to meet up there and also stop at the worlds Largest Lighthouse store for some décor lol! Have a wonderful trip to Mexico…and maybe that first week of August for some margaritaville? HAVE FUN xxoo
I worry that you are risking your own sanity by your goodness. Sometimes those weeds can strangle you, even when you have an escape plan in mind. Please please be careful, and know if you are about to lose the battle you have so valiantly fought. I really worry about you and hope I am not overstepping my bounds by saying so like those others.
What I have to say is I read this back and it’s making me laugh..the absurdity of these things. I tried a new tactic with John and strongly said he had to do some chores which he dutifully did and is now resting quietly. In 6 days I’m skidding in on fumes to a week at a world class spa. I will fall in to that luxurious support and forget everything…I promise. It’s a full unplug and can’t come soon enough. Xoxo
Oh Kathy. I’m so sorry. The only thing you need now is relief and support. Your post about not-so-well meaning “friends” reminded me of something my dad likes to say to those folks (and I’ll preface it with asking for forgiveness for the language)…
“Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on.”
xoxox
How about this one? “Why don’t you go place a nice game of hide, seek and go fuck yourself?” Muahahaha gets me every time.
Or…..”Here have a big bowl of SHUT THE FUCK UP” lol lol (sorry for the F Bomb)
KCL – I read all your posts but have said nothing until today. Since following you on WS, I have never understood how you do what you do. You have much on your plate my friend so it is good you are a strong woman. Never forget that part. Social media can be informative and fun but some folks like your vegan friend seem to get taken over by it. I am glad you are letting these negative comments sail right on past you. I am in North Carolina so know nothing more of Arizona that what you share so my question may be of little use BUT is there perhaps a volunteer group in your area that supports caregivers? If there is, please look in to how they may be able to help you with John. You will be of no help to him if your soul gets sucked in and overwhelmed. Take very good care of yourself then you can take care of John.
Everyone has pretty well covered anything I could add to the discussion except …… I LIKE Heather’s dad! 😉 🙂
Kathy – really??? People are more than willing to tell others how to live their lives. I learned as I got older that if I did not decide how to live my life other people would gladly take that role. I think you are doing a good job dealing with this sort of thing. I pray for you and your brother – hopefully his meds will start working soon and he will be able to enjoy his life again. Many hugs and healing thoughts…
Kathy, I was raised by a paranoid schizophrenic mother…back in the day when mental illness was not acknowledged by most people. Our relatives all gave our family a very wide berth; only now do I understand ‘why’. My mother never received any therapy or treatments of any kind. My life growing up was pure HELL. It took years of counseling to get me to a point where I can cope with living in that hell. I am not saying this for sympathy, dear heart…I am merely saying that all things pass in time…nothing is ever all bad (or all good) 🙂 Thank God!!! You are doing what so many people, past and present, have failed to do…you have taken the high road…let no one deter you…we are all praying for God to give you the strength you need to walk your chosen path…I wish my mother had had a “Kathy” in her life. Much love & prayers coming your way.
I’m sitting here smiling, nodding my head up and down. I know about that. Hanging up is like UN-friend. And yep, I could go for a chunky juicy burger about now. I drooled at the salad. The night before my sister passed away she wanted Lobster. She knew. And she got it. Life is short, have melted butter. Who says comfort doesn’t come in flavors? I’ve said the “F” word before. I’ve even written it a time or ten. I’m identifying with the up late at night thing too. I know. I saw that about the whole world gone mad. I nodded up and down then too cause I knew somethin was brewing. I know about caring and doing and being there even when the circumstances were/are different, feeling overwhelmed is the same. I know about OMG I could just do with a hug. And maybe a frozen Look Bar. Then I saw the picture “I smile to hide how completely overwhelmed I am” and I broke out laughing, at myself, cause that is so ME too! LOL What’s behind that smile?? People should be worried! LOL …I’m the Sagittarius, my Sis was Scorpio, so I know something about smiling. And days ago I thought to myself, Kathy needs some time for her, some pampering, you then mention you’re going on a getaway! Much deserved. I’m happy for you. There’s nothing like a long deep massage that lets you drift off into a deep sleep. Enjoy…and exhale. XXOO
You made me smile too! 🙂
You guys are the air that I breathe…seriously! Things have calmed down, we’re gonna hang out in the a/c and watch Titanic. And yes in 6 days I’ll be breathing deeply in my own casita far far away with no access…massages, yoga, great food and r e s t.
I wish I was there right now to wrap my arms around ya and give ya a big ole (((hug))), or a cocktail, or both 🙂 xoxo
I’m exhausted just reading about your morning.If it was me I’d want to retreat to my bed & throw the covers over my head. EXCUSE my French but this is my motto in times of stress F*ck the F*cking F*uckers & you my dear have every right to feel as you do. Keep blocking, unfriending & hopefully the ignoring will come in time. {HUGS}
Guys I took my nice relaxing bath and managed to pick up my towel and my iPhone flew off in the water. So no phone, no contacts, no hotspot so no wifi. Nice relaxing bath turned in to rushed trip to the store fro rice and wifi. I can’t catch a break right now. 😦
Well, that’s one way to avoid having to read any more nasties, not that I would recommend it.
Honestly, KCL, I would crawl back under the covers and not come out for five days — leave just enough time to pack for that well-deserved vacation.
Thinking of you, and crossing every crossable body part in the hope that all goes well after this one!
Listening to you on Tricia’s radio show right now. You are amazing! And you got your phone to work already!! The miracle of rice, that overly starchy comfort food that cures wet phones.
You sound fabulous, friend. Hope the tide has turned and all will start looking up for you now.
Haha comfort food for phones! Accelerated by the Sedona vibes. ;). Tricia always lightens me up..she’s so funny.
After reading all of the posts, everything I could say has already been said. You are a strong and courageous person, and I admire your fortitude. God is always with you, and I pray for you and your brother. One person said you should check into a support group. I echo that. And remember, you can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself first. I learned that the hard way. I hope your phone was saved. New rule, must have rice on hand at all times.
Aw, it never rains but it pours eh. Sending you big hugs from England. Keep your chin up, I really hope that tomorrow brings you both some peace. xx
My iPhone disaster was cured in 3 hours of rice! Eureka! Things are looking up!
Sending good thoughts and prayers your way xx00xx
In reading about all of the unwarranted advice you’ve been getting over this past week, one of my favorite quotes comes to mind – “don’t ever let someone change who you are, to become what they need.” Have a fabulous vacation. Cheers! 🙂