“Hi Kathy, nice to meet you, but that’s not what I need,” he said.
I was so lost in thought while pushing my cart out of Costco yesterday, that I handed the checker at the door my Costco CARD vs. my receipt.
Two incidents occurred there, both sort of connected, that sort of took me over and I’m still thinking about it.
It was a busy day and there was a lot of competition for space with those humongous carts scurrying around. I was there looking for nutrition shakes for my Dad, a urinal (they don’t carry those), paper towels, chicken soup and of course, coffee.
Where are those dang paper towels? I said to myself, after getting as far away from them in the warehouse as possible. I pivoted my cart and found an opening in the cart-crowd and began my mad dash to the very back of the store.
That’s where the first thing happened.
You know how you can see someone coming toward you in an aisle sometimes and you don’t know which way to swerve to avoid them and at the same time, they don’t know which way to swerve, so you both are semi-swerving with these micro-swerves that seem like a little Dancing with the Stars opening to a number, until you either stop, laugh and/or wait for the other person to complete their swerve and move past you?
Yeah, it was one of those. But something struck me as different this time.
The man I was swervecart-dancing with, apologized.
I replied with a laugh “I was just trying to read your swerve”.
But his apology somehow struck me to the core.
You see, this was a young, bright smiled black man, in very, very white Gilbert, AZ.
Why did he apologize? I wondered.
And why was I feeling so bad about that?
Neither of us did anything wrong.
Later, after I checked out, I ran in to a hot mess of Costco stuff, and people blocking the post check-out area turning it in to one-lane traffic only. I began to push out with my cart and another man, who was actually ahead of me, stopped in his tracks to let me out.
I thanked him, moving forward, still haunted by this feeling, now, exacerbated. You see the gentleman who just let me out, was also black (and very very tall).
My mind was flooded with recent memories of travel, and the norm I’ve been experiencing lately of these rushing Caucasian men, who can’t seem to bear to let me out of my airplane row, unless I have a foot firmly planted in the aisle, as we deboard the plane. Even if they are in a row behind me. I have actually said out loud to their backs before “I guess chivalry is dead”.
I am sounding like I am making generalizations, aren’t I? In fact, I am just describing my own, personal experiences. Glad I have a gallant, polite man who lets most everyone out before him, but always me. He is, in my experience, the exception, sadly.
Back to the young man who apologized, because that seems the one mostly stuck in my craw.
I have experienced this many times. If there is a little kerfuffle or something like that, it seems the black person is sort of trained, by ALL OF US, to give deference. Like I, with all my privilege, should naturally go first. Should naturally be deferred to. Like he had something to apologize for, for being in my path, when I was equally in his path!
I have to say, this broke my heart in a way yesterday.
That this exists at all. This vestigial tail of what our black brothers and sisters were required to do–take the hit for the white man, apologize if anything went wrong or didn’t go wrong. But the consequences in our not so distant past were far more devastating.
I am heartbroken also, thinking of ways I may have contributed to this, even unknowingly.
I wish I could go back in time to yesterday and say directly “you have nothing to apologize for!”. Or something. I feel unfinished about it.
I know I’m supposed to hand the checker at the door my receipt leaving Costco, but I was consumed in sadness, flanked at the back with chivalrous generosity, and it was all a bit too much.
I need to be better. I need to be more aware, more sensitive, more something.
But first of all, I just needed to write this to get it out of my head.
“I miss my Mom.”
At least once a day, her bottom lip swells and shivers like a newborn kangaroo peeking its head out of the soft pouch for the first time. Sometimes there are full blown tears, but not always. Usually, it’s when she’s tired or doesn’t want to go to bed. Or both.
“I know,” I usually say and leave it at that. I let her have these feelings and how they need to come out. Sometimes I distract her with a fun memory of our day or a thought of tomorrow. Sometimes I tell her that her Mom must be thinking of her right now, too.
One thing I always do, is relate.
We have Lillian this summer for almost the entire month of August–the longest she’s been away from her mother. Somewhere along the planning stages of this, the reality of this irreplaceable sliver in time hit between the heart chambers like an ultrasound heartbeat, heard for the first time.
We will have Lillian with us for the longest time we’ve ever had her, at the very stretch in my own timeline, that my mother was dying.
“Kathy came in to my room today and said ‘Mommy, you’re dying aren’t you?'” my mother wrote to my Grandmother in the months before she did just that. “What do you think I should have said?” she asked her mother in law.
My mother died twelve days before my sixth birthday. Lillian turns six this September 10.
This is sacred ground I’m treading on right now.
I woke up this morning thinking of my routines; the altar I worship at of my alone time and the fact that I get almost none of that right now. I felt the walls starting to close in, wondering how I would make it these next few weeks.
“You have to change. It is time to evolve,” a small voice inside said. These words from beyond brought me an unfamiliar comfort. Big changes like this don’t usually come along in midlife. Just because I have always used that method–extreme bouts of alone time– to restore myself, does not mean it is the only way things have to be. In fact, it simply is not possible right now anyway. Maybe for a reason, I thought.
My mother spent most of that last summer of her life in a hospital bed dying of cancer. It was back in the day that children were not allowed inside the hospital, so her last visions of her three children–3, 5 and 7–were peering down from a tall building, in a wheelchair, at them–at us–holding hand drawn pictures from the grassy lawn. I was the five year old–Lillian’s age. These are my last memories of my mother.
Oh, how she would have loved nothing more than having her time consumed by us.
Sometimes in life you get to have a do-over for somebody else.
This time is sacred. I feel my mother near. I am not afraid. I am a stay-at-home stepmommy now, and she is steering my ship. I can feel it. I know what to do, how to cook, the right temperament, the patience that is needed. It is all being given to me.
I need to evolve. She is evolving me. Both shes are evolving me.
There is no time to waste. There is no alone time more precious than every second I get with this precious girl–with myself in this unique way. I have never in the fifty two years since her death, felt my mother so near, such a part of me.
And still, Lillian, I get it.
I miss my Mom too.
Hello out there, All!
Hope your summer is going well and you enjoyed your holiday, however you spent it. We had a quiet day of binge-watching, taking an evening walk, and installing items in our bedroom, including these cool floating nightstands we basically hacked from Ikea, and a….ceiling fan! Whew! Of course, when I say we, I mainly mean my husband. He can build or fix anything. I’m spoiled. I am getting pretty good at handing him the tools however.
I’ll post some more pics of the bedroom all put together when I straighten it up a bit. I’m so pleased with how it turned out by piecemealing things I mostly saw online. It feels like a luxury boutique hotel upgraded room now (on a major budget). If I do say so myself. 😉
I was interviewed for a local Casa Grande paper for a story on Rudi’s failed parole hearing last month, and you can read it here. The reporter pretty accurately covered it. I’m glad he included some of the pictures I sent him of Cindy. It’s interesting to me that the case is suddenly getting a little flurry of media attention after all of these years (stay tuned on that front too). Interesting, considering I’m finishing up my book proposal this summer to be able to do a full frontal push for an agent/publisher this Fall. Seems the Universe is right on time with my timeline too.
Speaking of writing, we got our table up! I will be able to put my husband’s old rolling desk chair on the one side facing out and sit with the view I love and work. It’s perfect. I do love my views when I’m diving in to this gritty subject matter. It’s time.
The house is a good 80% finished to where we want it, in terms of decorating and furnishing, so I can relax now and get to work. That sounded kind of backward didn’t it?
I also have a new business idea I’m cooking up which I am really excited about. Taking one of my beloved hobbies and turning it in to a small business. I was inspired for this years ago back in Tempe, but now see how it can come to fruition in this area even better. I even have been gathering supplies, before I ever met John. More on that later. It’s going to be super fun though, even if I never make a dime at it. It’s good for me to have creative projects. It’s like blood in my veins and electricity running through my nervous system, keeping me vital.
How about you? What keeps your blood pumping?
I’ll leave you with some gorgeous photos I took on our walk last evening on the nearly empty bike trail near our home. That is my kinda fireworks. Even the weeds are breathtaking.
Well hello there!
It’s been a while since I’ve posted so, as an excuse to keep sitting in this gorgeous cool breeze, I thought I would share some updates of what’s happening over here in beautiful Pennsylvania.
we found THE BEST amusement park, Knoebel’s, just a half hour from our home, truly the best!
I’m not gonna lie, this life and our home here has turned out to be so much more….everything.…than we ever dreamed. I have successfully adjusted my lifestyle to be here for about 3 weeks out of each month and in AZ the rest. Right now, at this moment, feeling this cool-enough-to-be-under-a-blanket breeze through the window, I am so grateful to be out of the scorching desert heat.
I made this little vertical succulent garden–can’t believe it’s doing so well!
My family is adjusting well to this routine back in AZ also. My Dad is currently investigating a hip replacement (yes, at 86!) and my brother is very involved in activities from art therapy, where he is painting and drawing, to two centers where he attends groups and of course, the chorus. He has a new friend, Jodi who he spends lots of time with. He even drove her up to Sedona to our home there for a long weekend. That, my friends, is a bonafide miracle and those who have been on the journey with us will get that.
We have only been in our home just over 4 months, but have accomplished so much! I’ve painted nearly the entire downstairs, as well as Lillian’s pink bedroom and, most recently, our cozy guest room.
We also, as of one week, have our…..KING SIZE BED! We waited a while to get it, and it is absolutely perfect. We found this gorgeous modern storage bed and filled it with an incredibly comfortable Casper mattress. We are in Heaven, sprawling all over the place and sleeping so much better.
We wake up in the morning and push open the room-darkening drapes (which work!) to an expansive view of grass and forest. We’ve been hosting a family of foxes and two deer, which play and stroll in the back. I picked up a couple of chairs and small table at, of all places, the grocery store the other day, so we can sit out and enjoy the sunset every night. We’ve also been dining outside quite a bit, especially when we have Lillian, which is just so ahhhhhh.
Speaking of dining, I actually signed on today to share a little life lesson story I experienced recently, related to our dining room table. It was kind of a big aha moment for me and I hope to share things like this on here vs. simple updates so all of us can be fed with a little bit of inspiration. God knows we need that.
So….we have most everything set in the house right now except for one kinda major thing. We have no place to sit and dine (except outside). We have a nice dining area, right in front of the large sliding doors leading to the patio, but no table. I’ve kind of loved all of that open space, but still, it’s time we have a situation to eat beyond sitting at the small rolling island or on the floor around our coffee table. I think we will still use those places, as we kind of love them, BUT I need a place to sit up straight with my laptop and finish my dang book. Right now I’m at my cozy chaise writing, but it’s not really a place to be serious.
ANYway, we started imagining what kind of table we wanted in that space, which will also be shared with John’s upright piano. It’s a perfect spot for the piano but does cut in to size for a table, so a wee bit tricky. We landed on wanting a farmhouse style table, with some industrial vibe, at 5 1/2 feet to accomodate 6 people but not be cramped.
We live in an area where there are lots of woodworkers and lots of reclaimed wood. So, I started with Craiglist to see who was out there that we could hire to fashion us our perfect table. And I found him! I went back and forth with this gentleman, discussing dimensions, table bases, wood stain, etc. We determined a timing to begin, deposits, delivery etc. We told him we would get back when we were ready financially to pull the trigger and send him his deposit, which happened in early May.
Then, homeboy carpenter just dropped off the face of the Earth.
I sent him several messages in various forms from email to Facebook and…nothing. I was trying to toss money his way and...nothing.
I finally reached a point when I said to John “if he is this uncommunicative before he has our $300 deposit, then how will we feel about him after?” and that was that. I closed that door and went searching again.
I found another guy, a little further away, who would make our table as we wanted and deliver it for about $900 total. A little higher than the first guy, but whatever, he did great work and was available.
Right up until the moment that he, also, completely fell off the map. I was actually texting with this one, and telling him we were ready to place the order, etc. and, AGAIN, no response.
“What is wrong with these woodworkers?” I asked my husband. “I am trying to throw money at them and they disappear!”.
“Something better must be coming,” he said, alleviating me taking this weird behavior personally.
I just let it go for a few weeks. It didn’t feel urgent and I AM ambivalent about filling up this spacious view of our backyard paradise….but the urge to start working on the book rose up last week, so I decided I needed to go a-looking again.
The tricky part is that the size we need is not very standard–66 inches–so having it custom made seemed the only way to go. Until…..
Lillian was playing on the floor next to me as I sat in “The Snugglette” (my chaise lounge area) and I just decided to throw out a random wild card google search for 66 in. farm table.
<<<<<insert choirs of angels singing>>>>
Lo and behold, what appeared to mine eyes was this:
A 66 in. all wood and metal, vintage inspired, rustic, industrial farm table.
For 264 dollars!!!! Whaaaaaaaa????
Now, granted, we had to forego the custom made and reclaimed wood part of our original idea.
But, yes, Universe, you can relieve me of that over $600 difference and provide something just about identical–even with the gray stain that we were seeking…with FREE SHIPPING. Yes, I will accept your offer.
I couldn’t wait to tell John as he was coming home shortly. I basically yanked him with both hands out of the car, saying “you have to look at this NOW”, as I drug him to my laptop, fearing this table, too, might pass before my very eyes before materializing. It was on sale, after all.
He was on board and….today is the day for delivery!
Yesterday, we did kind of a post-game on this whole deal. John told me how he observed that I’ve come a long way from my usual dog-with-a-bone style of going after something I want. Once it became clear that the woodworkers were not working for us, I was able to let go with minimal angst. I did notice a fleeting am I doing something to push these people off? thought float through, then laughed it off. I really did think something better might be on the way.
like this fireworks display that showed up out of nowhere from our backyard last weekend over a field of fireflies
This is such a big metaphor for me, and one I continuously need reminders on. In fact, I suffered two decades of traumatic and demoralizing dating before my BEST came along. You’d think I have this down.
Yet, it’s a biggie. The letting go, the trusting, the realizing there be other choreography happening, the not pushing, the acknowledging, accepting then….receiving.
“This, or something better,” is a good phrase that works in my brain.
I’ll come back and post when I get the table all set up. But for now, I have some placemat shopping to accomplish.
Hope you all are staying cool or warm or….simply comfortable out there!
Just got word from my Victim Advocate that Rudi Apelt was denied parole for his Life WITH parole commutated sentence for the murder of my sister.
You can read about it, along with my statement that she read to the parole board here.
I was heartened but not surprised that no one was there at the hearing to support him. He was surrounded for years by death penalty opponents fawning all over him, as they exploited him, and the system, in their attempts to abolish the death penalty one murderer at a time. I literally predicted in my last victim impact statement that they would drop him like a hot potato once they accomplished their goal of getting him released from death row and it appears I was right. Good.
He had an interpreter who slowed the whole hearing down by having to stop every sentence and interpret for Rudi who was on a screen and not in attendance in person. Knowing this, I may go next year and read my statement myself.
I guess he sat behind that screen, in the prison or wherever, claiming he knew nothing about the crime. Don’t think that approach impressed the parole board.
He will never get out of prison but that doesn’t mean we can get too relaxed about it. That, I’ve learned the hard way.
Bye Felicia, til next year.
my beautiful sister, Cindy
I received word from one of my Victim Advocates yesterday that a parole hearing is to be held next Tuesday for Rudi Apelt. Rudi is the brother of the man Cindy married who assisted him with her murder for life insurance. He is actually the person who wielded the knife in the desert on the night of December 23, 1988, stabbing her multiple times and slashing her throat. This was proven in court by his own expert Vincent DiMaio. You can read about that Perry Mason moment here.
Rudi was sentenced to death in 1990 for the first-degree murder, then a life WITH parole sentence for the conspiracy. Nineteen years later, his death sentence was commuted because one Judge , Silvia Arellano, decided to release him from Death Row under a mental retardation claim. Once the Federal Supreme Court ruled that we can’t execute the mentally retarded (a ruling I agree with), suddenly both of these scheming conmen became “mentally retarded” overnight according to their attorneys, and those championing against the death penalty, one murderer at a time.
Rudi’s sentence was commuted to life WITH parole which, thankfully, Arellano decided to run consecutively to the conspiracy Life WITH parole sentence vs the concurrent option they argued for. Arellano, the biased Judge, had also ruled that nothing, not one thing, in their lives after the age of 18 could be considered in her decision–read: THE CRIMES FOR WHICH THEY WERE CONVICTED COULD NOT BE CONSIDERED IN THE DECISION FOR SENTENCE FOR THE CRIMES THEY COMMITTED. It was a terrifying time as this monster could have gone from Death Row to up for parole in five short years after that commutation.
Yes, it seems like a moot point or a formality that he should be given these yearly parole hearings for the first sentence he is serving, as he’s eight years into the second 25 to Life sentence. He could be granted parole on the first one and still turn right around to his cell to continue the second one. BUT, I’ve become a bit educated on how prisoners become victims over the years, and how attorneys make big bucks championing murderers and I don’t trust any of it. So, yes, I wrote a letter to the parole board and I guess I will each year, to make sure no one ever considers releasing him from prison or giving him any leniency.
I suspect he will continue, along with his disgusting champions, to try and play the “mentally retarded” card and since I’ve been informed it’s a fairly new parole board who may not know the case, I decided to do a bit of educating on exactly who Rudi Apelt is.
Here is a copy of my letter that my advocate will be reading into the record next Tuesday. I won’t be in AZ at that time and frankly, I never want to be in the same room with either of those sociopaths ever again so her reading my words to their faces is just fine with me.
the face of a monster
Here it is (apologies for it being dense to read–Wordpress is not letting me put paragraphs on this when I edited it):