Well, it’s always good to try something new I guess. Break a pattern.
I’ve been so hypervigilant at managing John that sometimes I’m sure I don’t see the forest for the trees.
Awoke to a message from the Director of the program saying he’d changed his mind and decided John couldn’t come today. He was scaring other clients yesterday with his outbursts about “killing” and “Hell”. I’m so desensitized to all that right now I feel like I’ve lost perspective on how frightening all that is.
BUT, they’d told me yesterday he could go today and be reassessed and see if his new meds just ordered two days ago had a chance to work. Then they pull this switch on me.
I kind of let him have it. Told him I’d arranged MY whole life around the assurance I was given yesterday by not one but two staff people right up to the end of the work day, that John could still participate.
Curve balls are not a good idea for anyone involved with Schizophrenia. Talk about reinforcing paranoia, he already thinks they all hate him (well he thinks I do too). Telling him he can come, then pulling the rug out just isn’t smart.
Yet I understand they can’t put one person ahead of all the others there who need their services.
John should have never been discharged from the hospital last weekend.
His Dr. doesn’t even look at him, much less me in appointments and disagreed with me two days ago that John needed to go back to the hospital. His interactions with John include a half hour visit every month where 90% of it he spends staring in to his computer screen. I’m over that too.
So, after fighting for John again, the Program Director agreed to let him come today and be assessed and take it from there. I’m going to let them manage the situation, as is their job, as if I wasn’t in the equation.
I’m not cancelling my plans and heading up to Sedona with my good pal Steve for some fun and checking on our new window coverings and to inject some kind of normalcy in to this life of mental illness. It will consume you if you let it. I will constantly be learning about what kinds of boundaries to set. On myself I mean.
Right now it seems getting out of town is my only solace. Just yesterday I went over to his house 3 times in the afternoon as his car was gone and he’s disappeared in a major way (for weeks) twice before. Luckily he was home by the last time I drove over. As much as I tell myself to not cave in to my hypervigilance I can’t control myself. I just keep checking.
I know what it’s like to have a sibling missing and the worst case scenario present itself. Lightning really can’t strike twice in a family, can it? Can I please catch a break?
Thankfully I have an appointment Monday morning with an attorney who specializes in mental health issues to help me navigate things like guardianship and the like. I need a Hero and I need him now.
I’m going to pack my car and trust John is just going to land where he lands today. Let’s see what his safety net can do without me–two case managers, two doctors, and a whole support staff at two facilities.
It’s time, at least for now, that I take off my own case manager hat and see where things land.
All I know is I’m landing here in about four hours, my own safety net.