safety net

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Well, it’s always good to try something new I guess. Break a pattern.

I’ve been so hypervigilant at managing John that sometimes I’m sure I don’t see the forest for the trees.

Awoke to a message from the Director of the program saying he’d changed his mind and decided John couldn’t come today.  He was scaring other clients yesterday with his outbursts about “killing” and “Hell”.  I’m so desensitized to all that right now I feel like I’ve lost perspective on how frightening all that is.

BUT, they’d told me yesterday he could go today and be reassessed and see if his new meds just ordered two days ago had a chance to work.  Then they pull this switch on me.

I kind of let him have it.  Told him I’d arranged MY whole life around the assurance I was given yesterday by not one but two staff people right up to the end of the work day, that John could still participate.

Curve balls are not a good idea for anyone involved with Schizophrenia.  Talk about reinforcing paranoia, he already thinks they all hate him (well he thinks I do too).  Telling him he can come, then pulling the rug out just isn’t smart.

Yet I understand they can’t put one person ahead of all the others there who need their services.

John should have never been discharged from the hospital last weekend.

His Dr. doesn’t even look at him, much less me in appointments and disagreed with me two days ago that John needed to go back to the hospital.  His interactions with John include a half hour visit every month where 90% of it he spends staring in to his computer screen.  I’m over that too.

So, after fighting for John again, the Program Director agreed to let him come today and be assessed and take it from there.  I’m going to let them manage the situation, as is their job, as if I wasn’t in the equation.

I’m not cancelling my plans and heading up to Sedona with my good pal Steve for some fun and checking on our new window coverings and to inject some kind of normalcy in to this life of mental illness.  It will consume you if you let it.  I will constantly be learning about what kinds of boundaries to set.  On myself I mean.

Right now it seems getting out of town is my only solace.  Just yesterday I went over to his house 3 times in the afternoon as his car was gone and he’s disappeared in a major way (for weeks) twice before.  Luckily he was home by the last time I drove over.  As much as I tell myself to not cave in to my hypervigilance I can’t control myself.  I just keep checking.

I know what it’s like to have a sibling missing and the worst case scenario present itself.  Lightning really can’t strike twice in a family, can it?  Can I please catch a break?

Thankfully I have an appointment Monday morning with an attorney who specializes in mental health issues to help me navigate things like guardianship and the like.  I need a Hero and I need him now.

I’m going to pack my car and trust John is just going to land where he lands today.  Let’s see what his safety net can do without me–two case managers, two doctors, and a whole support staff at two facilities.

It’s time, at least for now, that I take off my own case manager hat and see where things land.

All I know is I’m landing here in about four hours, my own safety net.

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9 thoughts on “safety net

  1. pilcherje

    OOOO<—Hugs. They're free. I was going to tell you about the one day, just one day I took for myself, a break from giving. But I just emptied the clothes washer and guess what I found? A dollar! A one dollar bill! How did I miss that? I thought I checked my pockets thoroughly before throwing that load in. I'm smiling to myself in the laundry room, and I'm aware of that. I fancied that I'd been the lucky recipient of some one else who'd forgotten to do just that. Empty their pockets. I liked that idea much better because it seemed so silly in a funny kind of way. But then I had this fleeting moment of guilt that it belonged to someone else. But who? How would I find out? I'm not the laundry room monitor. Checking in? How many loads do you have today? Our hours of operation are….and please, be kind. Be sure to clean out the dryer filter when you're done so the next person doesn't have to….that dollar is laying on my kitchen counter, drying. I'm going to put it in my pocket when it is…
    It will go with my other dollar bill and a quarter for the bus today. Now I don't have to walk to the store for change that I needed, a one dollar bill, so I could take the bus. It saved me 30 mins. of walking in the opposite direction. I'm taking three buses just to get down to the Ferry dock. The hubbub of Seattle. All for $2.25! I like the smell of the ocean and sounds of the gulls. The horn of the Ferry as it arrives. It will take an hour to get where I'm going. The other side of the Puget Sound. It's Hailey Mae's 4th Birthday today. She's my granddaughter. I'll spend the night and sail back home on Sunday. It'll be a nice get away and I'm going to take a lot of pictures with my new 4G phone! I'm excited. That dollar bill made me think of the the two dimes I'd found hidden under the green grass of my Easter basket which was crammed in my dresser drawer. I was only 6, but I was RICH!
    OOOOXXXX <—-N' kisses

  2. So glad you are seeing an attorney Monday — this has gone on enough — I worry about you even though I don’t know you — felt so relieved that John is going to his daycare today — he is a stranger after all — but he is not, you have made him come into my life — I am attached to what happens — enjoy your weekend in Sedona..

  3. Pilcherje, your post made me smile. I very much agree with mka237. I am confident you will have a good weekend — put your worries in a basket and leave them behind.

  4. Zuri

    So glad you could make it up to Sedona. I hope it is the respite you so deserve and need. You are an awesome sister. And one incredible person. I admire you and your strength and determination. I wish you a weekend of laughter and smiles.

  5. Hi Again Kathy,

    If ever it was a blessing to read a blog out of the order you sent them, today is the day. I am so glad that I already know you had an amazing meeting with the attorney today. I know this hurdle you talk about is followed by a much better two days.

    When you mentioned that John had been missing and had also done the disappearing thing a couple times in the past, my Heart nearly stopped. I can only imagine what you endure during John’s unexplained absences. You must have entertained some pretty scary possible scenarios before you finally saw his car. Your stress must often run on overdrive..

    Bless Your Heart . . .
    ♥ ♥ ♥ Paula

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