Dirty John, etc (preview)

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For those who know me, either in person or through this blog, you know I’ve been delving in to the story of a woman who’s older sister Cindy was murdered by her husband.

You know that I’m so curious about the dynamics between a sociopath and its prey-–a beautiful, successful, educated, popular woman from an upstanding family who walked right in to a trap--that I’m writing a book about these things to, perhaps primarily, help me to understand them on a very personal level.

You know that finding meaning in these terrible traumatic events, and their ripple effect, has been a driving force in my life and my writing life.

How a man can walk right in to a woman’s life–a woman who seemingly has everything going for her--and take control so hard that it leads to grave danger, and ultimately homicide. These are the things I have contemplated for years now.

You know that understanding the back story of the crimes, the effect on a sister, and the origins of the victim’s choices, are subjects that I’ve sunk my teeth in to since I began this blog.

For those unfamiliar to me or my blog, you may think I’m referencing the Podcast Dirty John and its female protagonist, Debra Newell, as well as her sister Cindi, who was murdered by her husband.

Debra ran in to, perhaps her own worse nightmare —a sociopath— much later in life after her sister was murdered.

Many crimes were committed. Some by Debra herself, albeit not in the legal realm.

I have listened to this podcast twice now. It is hitting me on so many levels, I’ve lost count.

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Of course you regular readers and friends know I am not referencing Debra Newell here. I’m referring to my own older sister Cindy, who was murdered by a sociopath–who walked right in to her own trap, with her own warnings and red flags (although not nearly to the level that Debra Newell was privy to).

Dateline is airing a one hour episode highlighting the Dirty John/Debra Newell story tonight. I will be watching and I have a lot to say about it, but don’t want to reveal any spoilers, so will wait.

If you want to catch up on this story, here is the link from the LA Times.

Let me just say that there are many victims in this terrible tale, some of whom are not who they would like you to think. There are also heroes, some of whom seem to not be recognized in this most recent telling of events (but I’ll wait and see before confirming that). There are also family dynamics that make my own web of history seem like a cakewalk in comparison. Sad and sick generational dynamics, that literally led to two murders, in my opinion. Not in the sociopath’s family, but the victims’.

Stay tuned, as I have a lot to say, and it will be coming soon.

karma

darknightsoul

Many of you out there who have been reading this blog for a period of time may recall a series of posts I made about a pretty terrifying situation that had befallen my family…again. A sociopath who was preying on my father for over a decade – financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I wrote about this here and here.

He caused me so much ~~terror~~ concern that in 2014 I confronted this scary individual, alerting him that I was aware of his exploitation, considered it nothing less than elder abuse and I put him on notice. He had been escalating. It was time to intervene after a decade of monitoring his manipulations and abuse.

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His response was so vile, so threatening that I obtained my own legal counsel, discussed restraining orders, consulted my father’s lawyers and money managers and even had a long discussion with an FBI agent about the interstate nature of the extortion possibly going on (he took it so seriously he spoke to me for over a half an hour interviewing me saying it didn’t meet the criteria for extortion but if certain things escalated to call him back). It was a terrifying time and one I’ve never really felt fully out of of the woods from. As one attorney said to me “they said about Elvis, you can’t save someone from themselves”.

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I set about protecting our family estate for my brother and I as best I could yet lived with a slow hum of fear every day in the background. I knew this man was laying in wait and had invested so much for so long that he was going for a piece of the big pie– my father’s rather large estate. It’s been an entirely stressful two years with a written on the wall future. At one point he was attempting to get my father to change his Power of Attorney from me, to him– a person completely not integrated in to our social or family network.

I knew there would be a battle coming – everyone did – either in my father’s life or death. This man had put a plan in motion and felt my father owed him. Very sick dynamics at play. It forced me over and over again to throw this to the realm of spiritual protection.

Airborne Operations

I found out today that this pathological dangerous man was killed in a freak accident while vacationing in Mexico. He was electrocuted.

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It is not lost on me that the men who murdered my sister, also sociopaths, still sit on Death Row/ in prison and this second wave of sociopathy to land in our family received a form of execution.

It is also not lost on me that he received his sentence for his crimes on the birthday of my friend who was the person who broke the silence on his exploitation of my father about 10 years ago. There are so many elements to this story but I keep them silent to protect certain privacies.

There are times in life to feel relieved when a death has occured.

breathe

This is one of them.

There is balance. There is protection. There is justice.

Now let the deep breaths of exhalation begin.

ladyjustice

help is on the way

I’m sure many of you regular readers are awaiting an update on the meeting with my lawyer yesterday.

Let’s just say I walked out there feeling lighter than air as we hashed out a reasonable solution to address this dangerous situation, at least for now. I don’t want to share much of it publicly because, well I just don’t. But suffice to say, when I walked in and my attorney Chick walked in with all of the emails I’ve sent him over the last week in his hand telling me he’d discussed this with every other attorney in the firm, including a retired Judge he still refers to as “Your Honor” he respects him so much, I felt at the very least validated and at the most under a wing of serious protection now.

We are proceeding with a plan which I believe will meet all of the important goals and allow me to let go and enjoy my relationship with my family under an umbrella of safety and care.

I’ve been reflecting a lot as you can imagine on sociopaths and their agendas and tactics. I don’t want to focus too much on that right now as honestly I feel quite OD’d on the subject at the moment and it’s a very dark unending black hole of pathology when you start looking at it. But I will say that when I look at things like our family’s tragedy; Cindy’s murder and then Travis Alexander’s and those sociopaths involved and that they were able to operate within a veil of secrecy. They love hiding like that and working their particular forms of devious manipulations. Michael Apelt rushing Cindy off to marry him in secret with a whole secrecy about it that he somehow managed to make sense to her. Jodi Arias performing her most sophisticated maneuvers on Travis Alexander through private phone sex sessions and in the bedroom, comfortable hiding their relationship from others then ultimately sneaking across the country changing her hair color, sneakily purchasing gas cans to hide her whereabouts in an entire state. Things like that. Like the vermin they are, they like operating in the dark. This sociopath attached to my Dad is no exception.

Well this one now is utterly exposed. He doesn’t know how exposed he is. I mean EXPOSED. And not one person who is aware of his existence and pathology and machinations is not in alignment with me and my opinions on this. Not. one. Including the entire set of partners in one of the most prestigious law firms in Phoenix.

Help, indeed.

view from my lawyer’s office 16th floor conference room

Speaking of prestigious, how ironic that my lawyer angel Chick Arnold was written up in the paper yesterday on the front page of the Valley and State section! Check it out!

http://www.azcentral.com/news/politics/articles/20140107lawsuit-arizona-care-seriously-mentally-ill-settled.html

By the way, he specializes in mental health law and elder law as well as estate planning. Basically he’s the Kathy Monkman One Stop Shopping Attorney from God. I tell you, I’ve been guided to some mighty amazing assistance in my life. Angels all around. Fierce angels.

I told Chick “I love you” yesterday in a spontaneous utterance but I did mean it. How inappropriate. 😉 Ask me if I care about that.

After hashing and rehashing solutions to this dilemna, we also got to talking about John and what’s going on there. He was entirely unsurprised that the ACT Team and Choices Network cut him off at the knees like that in some kind of punitive fashion. He was entirely supportive of my plan to document all of THAT debacle as well and submit it to a serious source like HuffPo or something. We definitely have a story to tell. I just need the time to organize it in a cohesive manner and write it.

He also acknowledged, bringing me to tears, that my life seems to be a whole lot about putting out fires all around me. Which is true. I need to start planning a trip back to the Ranch after all of this. I feel like I move through my life from crisis to crisis as a bodyguard, sister, daughter, case manager, social worker. And I have a full time job as a therapist.

I’m exhausted.

But I’m relieved as well which is giving me energy. Let’s just say I’ve been monitoring this precarious, escalating dangerous situation for a decade quietly and piercing the silence stirred things up but also is bringing in much needed oxygen.

My Psychologist last night just kept shaking her head at the bizarrity of all that I’ve been dealing with and insisted on hugging me after the session with just one of those looks like….”wow”. Let’s just say I’ll be seeing her weekly through March.

I’m following through on one of my resolutions to take better care of myself and that’s part of it.

And, coming up on another post, I joined a creativity group where I’ll writing, drawing and painting again! I’ll be going out this weekend to get all my painting supplies! I’m so psyched!

Dancing and drawing and painting.…creativity is where it’s at. That’s the world where my life rafts float.

Thanks for reading out there and sending light our way. It’s felt and appreciated.

xoxo

inspiration

I’m here to tell you, life is bombarding me right now with so much intensely positive inspiration that it’s just not gonna let me get caught in any kind of trap of fear or negativity right now. And I say a big fat THANK YOU back to life for this! The first week of 2014 was not exactly simple or kind but I’m thinking what it was was necessary.

What’s making itself known without reservation right now are waves of inspiration cresting and falling all over me. That’s probably some terrible grammar right there but I’m tired and I just can’t figure out how to correct it at the moment so….there ya have it.

Yesterday I received two miracle moments related to my writing that just lifted me right up in to another sphere that no amount of evil or nastiness could ever come close to.

I will write about one of them right now.

I was asked last year to submit a chapter in a book about testimonials related to Myofascial Release being compiled by my friend Phil Tavolacci. His book was published last summer to great reviews and I was honored to be a part of it. His book is titled “What’s In Your Web?”. I’m happy and excited for Phil in completing this project and the success he’s having.

Last weekend I received an email from a woman wanting an appointment, saying she found me via my chapter in Phil’s book. My schedule is unusually open at the moment so I was able to get her in within 3 days. She’s only in town for a couple of weeks she said.

I made the assumption that she found Phil’s book because she had a therapist elsewhere or perhaps was a therapist herself as his book is new and highly specialized of course. So imagine my surprise when she came in and told the story of how she’d found the book and thus, me.

She shared about walking through my local independent bookstore Changing Hands and wandering around and “this book nearly flew off the shelf and in to (her) hands”. She had heard nothing about me or Myofascial Release before.

This woman shared about how as she read along, Phil quoted someone in his part of the writing who has the exact same name as her mother–first and last names. Then as she read further and Phil described his own testimonial/coming to become a MFR therapist, he mentions the college he went to and it is the exact college her father went to.

She took all of these things as signs she was on the right track reading about this unique form of therapy.

As she read along, in to my chapter, she realized I was right in her back yard. And she also knew the primary issues she needed to deal with are emotional, affecting her body physically, which is basically what my entire chapter is about.

She broke down in tears in the waiting room, before the session even started, knowing she’d found a path that can really help her heal her own “ancient wounds” as John F. Barnes calls them.

We had a great session and for me, more than anything, her story catapulted me in to a place of knowing all is well in the world.

We’ve been in the clutches of some real darkness affecting our family including threats and, according to my father, a potential for violence. With all we’ve been through as a family, you can only imagine how this impacts us. I’ve been cutting through my own wall of denial and dealing and alerting all who need alerting.

On that note, I’m meeting with my attorney today to discuss options. What legal protections need to be initiated to set boundaries for all of us. I take sociopathy very seriously as anyone should. It’s inherently dangerous.

Pretty much everyone important in our family sphere, people of influence, have been alerted to this situation and this person which I think is the way to handle these kinds of things. Shine the light while showing them to the door.

Every single murder victim’s family I’ve ever met (including my family) has moments where they knew something felt wrong and potentially dangerous and wish they’d acted on it.

Well, I’m acting on it this time. In a big way.

And for that, I feel completely confident.

This individual really had no idea what he was up against. I’ve been prepared for twenty five years for him.

And there is an Army around me…and my father. This sociopath has no idea…

Now, back to the regularly scheduled miracles that are unfolding all around me, even in the midst of this situation. I know where the real Power lies.

sociopathy 2

Just to follow up on my previous post, I am definitely seriously embroiled right now in protecting my family from a dangerous person. There have been discussions and the situation is in a state of semi chaos at the moment. I have an appointment this week with my attorney to discuss how to proceed including a potential restraining order. I’m just going to hash it out with him and follow his advice. It’s not really how I intended to start off 2014 but this has been a festering boil for over a decade and it was escalating therefore time to confront it. You don’t pop that kind of infection and not expect the pus to ooze (sorry for the graphic, it’s just the way it is).

The good thing is this man is across the country with limited means. But my father admits he has potential for violence against both of us (which did not surprise me in the least) yet he is unable to close the door at this stage. My father also said “he does have sociopathic traits”. (duh).

Sigh…

It is my opinion that this is a classic case of elder abuse and I may be proceeding along those lines. I just don’t know yet. I do know that this is why lawyers exist to guide you in situations like this.

I also know we’ve had two too many sociopaths in our family already, which I told my father. But I’ve said it for 25 years, I never underestimate the manipulative power of a sociopath and my father is firmly entrenched in his clutches.

It’s a very sticky wicket. Please keep me in your prayers. I seriously hoped I’d never have to confront this kind of thing again in my life but here I am again. It’s disheartening. Luckily I have a lot of people in law enforcement and the legal world who have my back. I still don’t like the notion of this snake in our sphere though. He doesn’t really know who he’s messing with apparently. He’s had the audacity to become verbally abusive and threatening with me now–not smart. Even though he’s been circling around sneaky in our sphere for over a decade, I’ve only met him twice. But I’m a sleuther and have a whole lot of information and am not afraid to share it where it matters.

Part of the reason I’m writing at all about this on the blog is to heighten the documentation/awareness. He’s been hiding in his hideyhole for too long. I think shining light on this kind of thing is a smart thing to do.

On another note, Alfonse and I had our first Ballroom Dance class last night and had a blast! He did really well. The teacher is a trip–it’s almost like she’s a character in one of those “Best In Show” movies, super serious in a funny way. I’ll have to get a pic of her.

We’re going every week now for a three months I think. I think we will get pretty good! haha It’s fun to have that to do together and to see Alfonse come alive with other people too. It’s good for us!

Please keep holding my family in light right now. We need it.

Xoxo

Oh wait, how could I forget? I’d like to introduce this sociopath to my bodyguard. Ok? I think I’ll direct any future threats and abuses to be sent via Sebastian. 😉

sociopathy

It’s sad to say that our family has repeatedly been touched by sociopaths.

Obviously in the case of Cindy, my sister, who was murdered by a sociopath or at least one sociopath with his accomplice, a weaker personality, but still violent brother.

My father’s life has been also touched by a sociopath who I’m in the process right now of dealing with and protecting all of us from. It’s taken a few years for the bubble to be burst on this escalating toxic situation but it happened. And I can honestly say I feel a sense of relief for that. Luckily, at this stage, I have attorneys and support in place to help us manage it. Sociopaths are dangerous. And they prey on vulnerable people, for example an elderly man whose life has been exceedingly challenging.

The attorney who prosecuted the men who killed my sister met this sociopath parasitically attached to my father once and identified him as “the scariest person I’ve ever met”. And I’ve been knowing he’s in our family’s sphere for over a decade feeling the exact same way. Trying to figure out what to do. 2014 is different.

I know what to do.

I’m fielding off this toxic person directly right now–alone– and dealing with his escalation that the lid has been blown on his cover. I went searching for some basic guidelines that I’ve not read for awhile about how to deal with sociopathy. I thought this may be helpful out there.

The man who has infiltrated our lives represents every single characteristic on this list.

1. Do you often feel used by the person?

2. Have you often felt that he (or she, because women can be sociopaths too) doesn’t care about you?

3. Does he lie and deceive you?

4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?

5. Does he tend to take from you and not give back much?

6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he seem to try to make you feel sorry for him?

7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?

8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage of your good nature?

9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant stimulation?

10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even if he says nothing overtly complimentary?

11. Does he make you feel worried? Does he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily?

12. Does he give you the impression you owe him?

13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but himself?

Ignoring, creating a boundary of protection and holding it is where I’m at right now. And getting support around me/my family. It’s scary and I, of all people, know what sociopaths are capable of.

Yes, after cancer, abuse, murder and schizophrenia life is still tossing our family drama in the form of sociopathy (again) which, in my opinion, is what evil is on this Earth. I have learned though how to throw down a boundary. This person is escalating because simply I don’t think he had any idea of what he might be up against with me.

Please wish me luck navigating these waters. I’m meeting with my attorney this week and potentially obtaining a restraining order. I suspect that will be inevitable now. Yes, it’s that real. Threats have been made.

I hope this article may help someone else out there too:

http://www.youmeworks.com/sociopaths.html

	Dominic Benton on Writing again
	Robert Hamilton on american monster
	Cindy on american monster
	katiecoolady on american monster
	SUSAN BAKER on american monster

two innocents

(to innocence)

sociopath