(interesting I made this meme just weeks before this earthquake ignited in my life)

I’m here at John’s house alone while he takes his son David to deal with some car issues.  It’s very cold, very snowy outside and very quiet in here.  I love it.

I go to Rancho La Puerta for many reasons , not the least of which this kind of quiet and solitude.  There is no TV here, light ambient sounds, very little concrete and views as far as my eyes can see.  I love it.  It’s so stimulating to the creative mind.  I feel very comfortable here in his cozy house alone which says alot about both of us.

I’ve been kind of outspoken about this newfound, unexpected dream that arrived in my life on many fronts.   The support I’ve received is truly overwhelming.  The gaps in that support are interesting to note as well and something John and I have been noticing and sharing about.

One interesting thing about a dream realized, I mean truly realized, is that there is a quiet confidence about it that is untainted or unaffected by any outside support.  When I was married, a lifetime ago, that relationship was all built on outside stimulus to validate itself.  It was built on shaky internal ground–as a man/wife situation- so I remember constantly seeking outside stimulation/validation to keep myself tethered to it.

The other, what I would call, truelove experiences in my life–two to be exact- were self sustaining.  The cord was so strong on the inside that outside radiance was a nice addition but totally unnecessary.  This is the same here with John.  It’s such a strong fit, such a feeling of rightness, so validated by everydayness that anyone’s approval or disapproval is a distant voice.  I’m hoping that the sun shining off of us is so bright that others feel the warmth and I think they can.  In the words of Rob’s mother who I met for the first time the day after meeting John for the first time in person “the two of you are so vibrant”.  92  year old wisdom;  I”ll take it.  I feel vibrant.  And it keeps growing.

All of this has led me to contemplate how we view love collectively as a culture.  In some cases, the people the closest to me are the least excited about this.  This is a curious collective mindset we have on this.  That it is somehow ok to fear love, to feel a need for protection, to be cautious and express it, to not get behind a person’s dreams until something validates it’s ok to do so.  It’s a curious permission we allow and indulge in.

I’ve thought about other big dreams being manifest around me–my brother joining the chorus, a friend buying a dream house, a client embracing her dreams for truly healing something.  I think things are different in categories not having to do with LOVE.  Is it so scary that we all believe it requires different protections around it?  Different expectations?  Different fears?

I wonder how my brother’s chorus journey would have been different if I had said “ok I’ll believe this chorus thing is real for you once you get on stage and complete a concert”.  I’ll withhold my support and stand in silence, or in judgment that it can truly happen for you until its proven to me in a language I can understand.

Or “I’ll talk to you about this house you are dreaming about once you’ve actually purchased it, moved in to it and settled in to to my satisfaction so I can get behind this for you”.

I guess, writing this, I do have feelings about this.  And my feelings are, standing back in judgment when someone is realizing a long held dream is making an imprint.  You find out who truly believes in you and who doesn’t.  And that will surprise you.

I think also that my very identity is being challenged–to myself as well as others.  I’ve been so long identified as someone who was highly successful in business, money, friendship, travel and highly unsuccessful in love.  What if I became a person who really did round things out and became a true dream realizer?  How would that affect my inner and outer world?

I know what I’m standing in is real.  I trust my judgment and I don’t need validation.  And I appreciate everyone who is trusting it right along with me.  I feel bolstered by this and the reality of this dream becomes more and more a solid ground that I’m resting in.  And mostly I’m landing in this place of rest with this man I’ve not ever felt.  A kindred spirit, someone who truly understands me, who truly is connected and bonded to me , is the kind of man/ relationsip I never dared to dream so high for.  The kind I would cross any territory to take the hand of.  And with an utter sense of adventure and attachment to no outcomes, embrace all of the not-knowingness of.


Love is a curious thing.  It ignites and it illuminates.

For now I’ve decided to say yes and and yes and yes to this dream coming more alive each day…and to allow the shadows where it’s brilliance can’t shine just yet, remain.  And direct the radiance on them just the same knowing the tree or the cloud or the wind itself which blocks them is their illusion…while I choose to shine.


20 thoughts on “shining

  1. IfIMay

    I would guess that the people close to you are afraid of change.. change in how you relate to them, have time for them, how they view you now…. It’s normal, I think. I do believe they are happy for YOU and scared for THEMSELVES. I’ve felt conflicted like that, I’ll admit, when a good friend suddenly found something so good and fulfilling. What about me? Especially as you are the “shoulder to cry, vent, share good news” on… their rock. As you say, it’s been a long time since you felt this good in your love space.
    The good news is you don’t need them for you to know YOU are in love, following your dream, and feeling alive. Give them a little time to adjust to this earthquake of great news… if they don’t, then you don’t need that noise in your life. I’m thrilled for you from afar! Enjoy and bask in the light and the love.

  2. Candace

    I’m so genuinely elated for you. I have been reading your blog ever since discovering it from the Travis Alexander trial. You always knew this was coming and here it is! I completely get what you mean about feeling it in every fiber of your being – no doubt, no questioning. What a gift. It’s so solid and true, I love being in that place. I actually had a dream about my partner a year before we met, while I was dating someone else. I just remember that it was the most loving feeling I had ever experienced in a dream. And now, 17 years later we are stronger than ever. Love grows and grows and grows. It amazes me still that we are closer and love each other more each year. It never stops growing. I wish the same to you two.

    I have so much confidence in you. You are one of the most self-aware people I’ve ever run across – the openness you have to the Universe and it’s signs is something everyone should learn to have. It doesn’t fail us if we listen. I’ve enjoyed reading along on this journey of yours and now I’m even more excited to read along on this new one.

    Happiest New Year Ever!

  3. Deanna

    Kathy ~ (or katycoolady – as I also know you!)
    I’ve been following (and loving) your adventures …. and your brother’s and your father’s…. and now this wonderful love story of yours! From the beginning of this relationship, I knew this was going to be very real for you! I’m sure there have been other men who would’ve loved this journey with you, because you’re a very fun and lovable person. But I’m so glad that you held out until this one, your perfect man, came along! I’m very happy for the both of you! You deserve this wonderful, real-life storybook romance! Best wishes to you… and continue to have all the fun and romance you’re both experiencing today!
    Sincerely, Deanna
    (aka Peace9274 – lol)

  4. spellbound4

    My dear, you were far from “unsuccessful in love!” You really need to throw that one out the window You were patient (well, maybe not always?), and did not succumb to the stresses so many let clutter their hearts. “This may be my last chance, he is so kind, what if I am too old to find another, maybe I am too picky.” You know the type of questions we torment ourselves with. That ability to be honest when things did not quite click into place and to let it go have put you right where you needed to be when this light beckoned. My measurement on love? When someone compliments you on “glowing” ….. and you didn’t realize it showed.

    KCL, My dear friend, you glow all the way to Michigan. And isn’t Pennsylvania beautiful?

  5. Kat

    KCL, First of all there are many levels of outside support. My level is that I feel that I do know you, but of course all I know about you is via cyberspace (first through Websleuths, then FB, and lastly this blog of public journaling). What I do know about you (which is a whole lot) makes me want only the best that life has to offer you and willingly support you and your own shared choices. It is with any life changing event, sift through the ones that you know will support you no matter what for your “outside” support system. Unconditional love fits in one of the levels of your “outside” support system.

    Communication is a huge key in all relationships. You and John got that part of the relationship before you even physically met. The basement of the relationship was solidly built and now you both together are adding on the rooms.

    It simply amazes me at the quality of how your writing as evolved since you first began this blog. You truly do have a gift/talent for writing. I also could not be happier and more thrilled that you and John have met each other. This new journey will only continue to grow and grow. Thank you for sharing and being open with your unique Life’s journey.

  6. Nancy B

    Of course you know with every fiber of your being that this is the real deal!!!
    I just read your post from yesterday, along with this one and I can not stop smiling from ear to ear. Such truly wonderful news. You both look gorgeous together. I haven’t posted a comment in a long time but I’ve been here since you started this blog around the end of JA’s mistrial and this is HUGE and delightful news. Enjoy all of it and soak in every minute of your combined joy. I totally thrilled that you found each other and I do totally believe that it was ‘meant’ to be.

  7. Susan Baker

    I wrote to you once about timing … I believe ALL your experiences both trial and joy filled led you to the point of being open to this perfect relationship. Perhaps in a relationship you would not have been available (as much as you were) to be the daughter, sister and friend you have been in so many lives. Anyone who knows you is over the moon happy for you. May 2015 be filled with all your dreams coming true.

  8. Shelley

    I am ecstatic for you. I wish you much luck and happiness! You surely have heard of Marianne Williamson – you probably read “A Return to Love” years ago.

    After watching this youtube I read her book called “Enchanted Love: The Mystical Power of Intimate Relationships.”

    “Can the purpose of a relationship be to trigger our wounds? In a way, yes, because that is how healing happens; darkness must be exposed before it can be transformed. The purpose of an intimate relationship is not that it be a place where we can hide from our weaknesses, but rather where we can safely let them go. It takes strength of character to truly delve into the mystery of an intimate relationship, because it takes the strength to endure a kind of psychic surgery, an emotional and psychological and even spiritual initiation into the higher Self. Only then can we know an enchantment that lasts.”
    ― Marianne Williamson, Enchanted Love: The Mystical Power Of Intimate Relationships

    Bless you and thanks for sharing all that you do with us.

  9. norsegirl

    What a beautiful, beautiful post. I can’t wait for the book to be finished, although I know it will contain some very difficult things, I’ll get through it ALL- because at it’s core- the story is about LOVE. It is why we are here. I am a firm believer that we work stuff out by being in relationships- not outside of them. We learn, and grow and seek and change. I am so happy for you and deeply encouraged by your relationship and the fact that you opened up to him… to love. What do we gain by standing on the outside looking in? Nothing. I love your posts, your pictures and this adventure. I cannot wait to see all of the amazing places this journey together will take you! XO

  10. Labrador Lady

    I don’t know why but I’ve found myself drafting a reply to this blog in my head today! So I guess I should share it? I was moved by your comments about those close to you who are not (yet) thrilled for you in this new relationship. I don’t even know you, we are just both part of the MFR tribe, fb friends and I also follow this blog, but I found myself, when I realised you had fallen in love with someone you met online, a little concerned. You have posted before about the dangers of sociopaths and I know only too well what they are like having been involved with one for 4 years I’d rather not think about. Your life is quite public, what with facebook, various blogs etc. It would be quite easy for someone to work out which buttons to press and to prey on you emotionally. I don’t mean that you are not savvy around this, but that when it comes to love I think many people do get caught out. Anyway, all I’m trying to say is that I was glad you had Rob with you when you flew to PA, and I am THRILLED everything is working out. But I also have sympathy for your close friends and family who might have been worried for you. It’s not really the same as joining a choir or buying a house. Falling in love makes us WAY more vulnerable – which is part of the magic when it works out….. That’s all I wanted to say. I hope I’m not coming over too negative when you are having such a brilliant time. It’s wonderful that you believed it enough to follow through and be proved spot on!

    • I can acknowledge a rationalization around fear. I’m just not going there myself. For once in over two decades I’m not afraid of love. This is my gift to the world. If I can release this fear, anyone can. I’m not afraid of anything. I’m liberated. 🙂

  11. pilcherje

    “And with an utter sense of adventure and attachment to no outcomes, embrace all of the not-knowingness of.”

    Yeah…that one.

    One of these days I’ll have to tell you about a 13 hour phone conversation – after all, when you celebrate New Years in two different countries there’s a lot to share ❤

  12. Shelley

    I agree with the person who posted–
    ” the story is about LOVE. It is why we are here. I am a firm believer that we work stuff out by being in relationships- not outside of them…..”

    Here is a quote I like:
    “Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.”

    —Marcus Aurelius

    On the web I found the following which resonates with me:

    “I once read “love is not an option but a necessity”. I couldn’t agree more.
    We come into the world yearning to give
    and receive love. Authentic love is the greatest gift of all for human beings. Love is the one human experience that invites us to feel beautifully
    connected & forces us to acknowledge that meaning and purpose are anchored not in isolation & aloneness but in union & togetherness.

    What higher purpose is there in life but to give and receive love? No matter what life brings our way, love is our highest goal. Yes, I think we have a tremendous need for love-love that captures our hearts & nourishes our

    Our capacity to give & receive love is what ultimately defines us. NOTHING we have ‘accomplished’ in our lifetimes matters as much as the way we have loved one another. Love is a magical energy that is the very anchor, substance & essence of life. You are well served to honor love when you discover it…”

  13. Mya

    I love how you are not allowing the fears of others to dampen your happiness. You deserve true love and happiness and I am so proud of you for going for what you want. You are the most “what you see is what you get,” authentic person I know. I can’t help but think others need more time to know if a coupling is right because they have to go through the layers of pretending to find the real person underneath. You are real from the start. I wish you nothing less than all of your dreams to come true.

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