(interesting I made this meme just weeks before this earthquake ignited in my life)
I’m here at John’s house alone while he takes his son David to deal with some car issues. It’s very cold, very snowy outside and very quiet in here. I love it.
I go to Rancho La Puerta for many reasons , not the least of which this kind of quiet and solitude. There is no TV here, light ambient sounds, very little concrete and views as far as my eyes can see. I love it. It’s so stimulating to the creative mind. I feel very comfortable here in his cozy house alone which says alot about both of us.
I’ve been kind of outspoken about this newfound, unexpected dream that arrived in my life on many fronts. The support I’ve received is truly overwhelming. The gaps in that support are interesting to note as well and something John and I have been noticing and sharing about.
One interesting thing about a dream realized, I mean truly realized, is that there is a quiet confidence about it that is untainted or unaffected by any outside support. When I was married, a lifetime ago, that relationship was all built on outside stimulus to validate itself. It was built on shaky internal ground–as a man/wife situation- so I remember constantly seeking outside stimulation/validation to keep myself tethered to it.
The other, what I would call, truelove experiences in my life–two to be exact- were self sustaining. The cord was so strong on the inside that outside radiance was a nice addition but totally unnecessary. This is the same here with John. It’s such a strong fit, such a feeling of rightness, so validated by everydayness that anyone’s approval or disapproval is a distant voice. I’m hoping that the sun shining off of us is so bright that others feel the warmth and I think they can. In the words of Rob’s mother who I met for the first time the day after meeting John for the first time in person “the two of you are so vibrant”. 92 year old wisdom; I”ll take it. I feel vibrant. And it keeps growing.
All of this has led me to contemplate how we view love collectively as a culture. In some cases, the people the closest to me are the least excited about this. This is a curious collective mindset we have on this. That it is somehow ok to fear love, to feel a need for protection, to be cautious and express it, to not get behind a person’s dreams until something validates it’s ok to do so. It’s a curious permission we allow and indulge in.
I’ve thought about other big dreams being manifest around me–my brother joining the chorus, a friend buying a dream house, a client embracing her dreams for truly healing something. I think things are different in categories not having to do with LOVE. Is it so scary that we all believe it requires different protections around it? Different expectations? Different fears?
I wonder how my brother’s chorus journey would have been different if I had said “ok I’ll believe this chorus thing is real for you once you get on stage and complete a concert”. I’ll withhold my support and stand in silence, or in judgment that it can truly happen for you until its proven to me in a language I can understand.
Or “I’ll talk to you about this house you are dreaming about once you’ve actually purchased it, moved in to it and settled in to to my satisfaction so I can get behind this for you”.
I guess, writing this, I do have feelings about this. And my feelings are, standing back in judgment when someone is realizing a long held dream is making an imprint. You find out who truly believes in you and who doesn’t. And that will surprise you.
I think also that my very identity is being challenged–to myself as well as others. I’ve been so long identified as someone who was highly successful in business, money, friendship, travel and highly unsuccessful in love. What if I became a person who really did round things out and became a true dream realizer? How would that affect my inner and outer world?
I know what I’m standing in is real. I trust my judgment and I don’t need validation. And I appreciate everyone who is trusting it right along with me. I feel bolstered by this and the reality of this dream becomes more and more a solid ground that I’m resting in. And mostly I’m landing in this place of rest with this man I’ve not ever felt. A kindred spirit, someone who truly understands me, who truly is connected and bonded to me , is the kind of man/ relationsip I never dared to dream so high for. The kind I would cross any territory to take the hand of. And with an utter sense of adventure and attachment to no outcomes, embrace all of the not-knowingness of.
Love is a curious thing. It ignites and it illuminates.
For now I’ve decided to say yes and and yes and yes to this dream coming more alive each day…and to allow the shadows where it’s brilliance can’t shine just yet, remain. And direct the radiance on them just the same knowing the tree or the cloud or the wind itself which blocks them is their illusion…while I choose to shine.