I’m rushing out to get on the road to Sedona but just wrote this in another venue and thought I’d share it here as it’s a Thanksgiving message that sprung in to my brain while making coffee just now.
I’m thankful to you all out there reading too who are making this little blog worthwhile and making me feel less alone in this big ol’ world.
I sincerely hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving whatever you are doing with whomever you are doing it, even if it’s by yourself. There is always something to be thankful for.
(note “John” in this post is my teacher for 25 years: John F Barnes)
Something John has said only about a gazillion times hit me in a deep way this year. It was (and please forgive if I’m not getting it 100% perfect) “the purpose of your life is to enjoy your life”.
What a simple permission slip. For those of us who have been struck by trauma and tragedy (I know who you are), it’s often left scars in our very identity. Like “this is who I am now: victim”. Survivor guilt becomes a very real fiber woven in to the fabric of “who I am now”. And we become literally that: filled with guilt about being happy and finding enjoyment.
“If that person I lost isn’t here enjoying their life I don’t deserve to” or “If this terrible thing happened to me I have to live with it forever, I owe my sufferering to this event”. These are unconscious deeply rooted belief systems that lock in to the matrix of memory which is our fascial system. They drive decisions, relationships, emotions, daily experiences of life (I know none of this is new I’m just writing it out).
I retook 6 classes this year and dug in to some very deep nasty aspects of my memory matrix and rose up to hear John say those familiar words one day in Advanced Unwinding I think. He said them with such a twinkle in his eye and a light hearted spirit that it hit me like a white burst of happiness inside and it started to grow.
I started renegotiating my life with myself. I thought of my mother and sister whom I’ve lost and how they wouldn’t want me to grieve them forever, they would want me to move forward and live a brilliant life that I deserve. How it releases them as well from any guilt laden attachments to me. I looked at everywhere I’ve tried to “save” others thinking “how about saving myself for once and how about ENJOYING MY LIFE?”.
So I did. And every choice I’ve been making from that point forward is from that pivot point and that permission slip and I’m creating a hell of a fun, interesting ENJOYABLE life right now and feeling this new metamorphosis every day. Like I have a secret and my secret it “I’ve been through Hell and I’m not only still standing, I’m having an absolute ball”.
Then I realized THIS is the gift I’m to give. This being, this living, this enjoying. THIS is what I’m to share.
So, in Thanksgiving, I say Thank you to John Barnes for injecting this deep in to me with your words, for saying it over and over and over all these years so it could finally penetrate and clear the way igniting this permission inside me.
9 thoughts on “thanksgiving”
That you KCL for sharing..last week through inspiration from you , I made a little dream board and put it up on my fridge..I had such fun doing it and it sparks such great energy..hadn’t done that in years..grief can take its toll. But I know you are right when stating are loved ones do not want us to drown in our sorrows but to swim on and enjoy every delicious second of life..may you have a splendid Thanksgiving!!
Kim I would love to see your dream board! I’m going to make a post soon about making them and if people would like to share them I’d be happy to put them all up (to send that energy way out around the world!). Good for you and Happy Thanksgiving to you too! 😀
Looks like you had a good thanksgiving! I don’t know how to send you a pic on this reply but I can send a pic on twitter I think? I will go try right now..Hope you have a super week!
Thank you so much, KatieCool! You are such an inspiration. I needed just these words today….. and I will say them over and over whenever I let the blues sneak in. “my purpose in this life is to enjoy it!” Yes, it is.
May you have a Blessed Thanksgiving with all the love and smiles you deserve. I am thankful for your friendship, always.
Dear Kathy–I really mean that, as you have become dear to me. I hope this blog is a success for you, a total winning thing, because you have contributed to other’s and I believe you are helping others by sharing your suffering, and by learning now from your teacher, Mr Barnes, to enjoy. You have now sent out what you learned, thereby letting Mr. B teach in an exponential way.
I have come to know you because of this terrible sad awful murder of Travis Alexander. I have also come to appreciate all the technology we have now to communicate, such as blogs, twitter and my favorite, youtube. I have many virtual friends there who have poured over each and every trial day, and many of them have pointed out that Travis A. is responsible for our friendships. And I can say the same of you too. By sharing the horrible awful story of how your precious sister was murdered, you have helped so many others.
I absolutely love your posting of your victim impact statement.
You are right too that your family members would not want for you to suffer. The time has come for you to fully understand that the conditions for your happiness and enjoyment are ever present. And part of this might include the terrible suffering which resulted from being victimized.
I visualize my life sometimes as this: I can see myself in the water, on a rocky coastline just being pushed around with the tide, and smashing into rocks. I also make myself then visualize just floating in the calm waters.
Nobody wants to deal with the problems in our judicial system. But that you continue to shine a light on injustice is impressive and inspirational. I think that in our country, it is a very good thing to want to make sure the wrong person is not executed…but that idea has been so overdone as to become nearly cartoonish, but not funny at all. I don’t know how you feel about this, but I wish that life in prison were just that. If we did not execute, then we would not have these now ridiculous millions and millions of dollars spent on these auto appeals. I understand now that your sister’s murderer is claiming retardation. Here again, the law to not execute someone profoundly retarded is a noble idea, the key word being “profoundly”. Clearly this murderer is not, and with all the reasons and proof that you have so clearly stated in your blogs, to the Court, and everywhere that you can. I appreciate you so much for that. There are teams of people, working for the Defense, making careers out of these things. It seems they could spend their time, and the State’s money in a much better way. What exactly that is, I don’t know. But having people left behind such as yourself is heart wrenching. And again, I am so appreciative that you are helping so many others.
By finding and utilizing your conditions for happiness, you are helping others too. And helping yourself.
By the way, I very much like, love and admire your tweets, especially about the current “nitwitness”, Dr F, in the Ariass retrial of penalty. I think I first heard your name from an Arizona broadcast when you reached out to the Alexander family. I was so touched by that. Sometimes I wonder if I am not a little weird for becoming nearly obsessed over this case, but then I think, “so what?”!!!
I wish you a very great Thanksgiving. And I wish for you that every day stays in the here and now and that you are able to continue to utilize all of your conditions for happiness. One of my virtual friends recommended that I listen to Thich Nhat Hahn and it has changed so much for me and my daily life in the here and now.
As you said, we ALL have something to be thankful about, and I count you as one of my own blessings!
that’s an amazing comment ff and I appreciate you so much for writing it I have tears in my eyes right now. xoxo
Kathy… well written and am glad you received the message. When I lost the most important person in my life I decided that I had two choices… One that I could cry tears of grief and forever be consumed by it…… or…. that when I cried it would be tears of joyful memories that always make me smile… I chose the second option and am also finding the wealth of those connections with others… like you! Have a great thanksgiving and hopefully it will be with your family, John and your dad! With love Tom
Good for you Tom! And we have many more moments to enjoy at the Monkeyspoon…eating, drinking and being merry! 😀
And I shall be looking forward to those Kathy…… yes indeed! 🙂