I’m rushing out to get on the road to Sedona but just wrote this in another venue and thought I’d share it here as it’s a Thanksgiving message that sprung in to my brain while making coffee just now.
I’m thankful to you all out there reading too who are making this little blog worthwhile and making me feel less alone in this big ol’ world.
I sincerely hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving whatever you are doing with whomever you are doing it, even if it’s by yourself. There is always something to be thankful for.
(note “John” in this post is my teacher for 25 years: John F Barnes)
Something John has said only about a gazillion times hit me in a deep way this year. It was (and please forgive if I’m not getting it 100% perfect) “the purpose of your life is to enjoy your life”.
What a simple permission slip. For those of us who have been struck by trauma and tragedy (I know who you are), it’s often left scars in our very identity. Like “this is who I am now: victim”. Survivor guilt becomes a very real fiber woven in to the fabric of “who I am now”. And we become literally that: filled with guilt about being happy and finding enjoyment.
“If that person I lost isn’t here enjoying their life I don’t deserve to” or “If this terrible thing happened to me I have to live with it forever, I owe my sufferering to this event”. These are unconscious deeply rooted belief systems that lock in to the matrix of memory which is our fascial system. They drive decisions, relationships, emotions, daily experiences of life (I know none of this is new I’m just writing it out).
I retook 6 classes this year and dug in to some very deep nasty aspects of my memory matrix and rose up to hear John say those familiar words one day in Advanced Unwinding I think. He said them with such a twinkle in his eye and a light hearted spirit that it hit me like a white burst of happiness inside and it started to grow.
I started renegotiating my life with myself. I thought of my mother and sister whom I’ve lost and how they wouldn’t want me to grieve them forever, they would want me to move forward and live a brilliant life that I deserve. How it releases them as well from any guilt laden attachments to me. I looked at everywhere I’ve tried to “save” others thinking “how about saving myself for once and how about ENJOYING MY LIFE?”.
So I did. And every choice I’ve been making from that point forward is from that pivot point and that permission slip and I’m creating a hell of a fun, interesting ENJOYABLE life right now and feeling this new metamorphosis every day. Like I have a secret and my secret it “I’ve been through Hell and I’m not only still standing, I’m having an absolute ball”.
Then I realized THIS is the gift I’m to give. This being, this living, this enjoying. THIS is what I’m to share.
So, in Thanksgiving, I say Thank you to John Barnes for injecting this deep in to me with your words, for saying it over and over and over all these years so it could finally penetrate and clear the way igniting this permission inside me.