Good Monday Morning!
Ok I have so many thoughts whirling around my head this morning from the weekend and beyond that I’m just going to sit down and write out this kaleidoscope. All of these things seem to be intersecting so let’s see if I can merge them in a way that makes sense. Like usual, just gonna write and see how it organizes
or not. 😉
I had a great weekend.
I’m having so many aha moments and moments of healing lately that they are all impacting each other and now that I write this, realizing they are probably all stemming from some deeper root. Where to start….
At the end of course.
Mother’s Day has often been a very difficult day for me. As you can imagine. Having lost my mother at age 5, then growing up with an abusive stepmother, my sister and I taking over that role for each other, losing her at 29, having no children myself. You get it. Like what do I do with this?
Yesterday though was completely different.
I woke up feeling good and thinking this thought about Mother’s Day. I’m going to make choices all day today which would make my mother proud as she shines in to my life from the beyond.
So that’s what I set about doing.
I started the day with Dance Church. It’s a dance/movement process that I’ve done a lot of but not a lot with this particular group. There was a weekend workshop going on with an out of town instructor that they opened to the public for the Sunday morning segment, so I went. It was in the very same dance space at ASU that I did my Nia White Belt training over a decade ago. I was very familiar with letting go in that space.
Sometime during the two hours of dance and freedom I had this new thought enter about my mother. You see on the Odysseys I’ve been on related to her–first the tattoo journey and later the trip with my Dad to Mississippi; I discovered so many letters she’d written. Some even to me. She started becoming, for the first time in my life, a real person. Not an angel or an idealized fantasy memory. But a real person with real handwriting, real thoughts, a real personality.
While I was dancing, the thought came in to my mind about how utterly excruciating it must have been for her to be forced to leave the planet with her three very young children being left behind. I can only imagine, well I can’t. Thoughts of What will be children do without me? Who will care for them? How will they survive this? of course had to be reeling in her mind constantly.
Well, the thought I had yesterday is that I’m the one she’s been waiting for. I’m the one, the only one who can show her that I’m ok. I’m the one who can demonstrate that this life she gave me has meant something, something beyond the grieving her. And if I take it one step further, maybe I can show her that because of her leaving and the challenges that put me through, I became perhaps an even deeper and more compassionate person that I’d never have become otherwise. Maybe more self reliant, wiser, more dependable, more of a self starter. I am all of those things. Maybe because this life offered the opportunity for me to become them. And just maybe, if I consciously determine to show her that, she will be able to heal any residual wounds she’s carrying for, albeit unintentionally, abandoning her children. Well, abandoning me.
Whew! That’s a lot to take in isn’t it? I’m 54 now. I was 5 when she left her body. That’s almost fifty years, well this year it will be fifty years. It’s about time I figured out some things.
It’s one thing to choose to dedicate your life to someone’s memory. It’s another altogether to choose to heal together with them.
Now that my friends is a purpose worth living for.
Feel free to take a break from reading right now because there is quite a bit more and that was a lot to absorb.
I wrote about attending the Agape Revelation Conference a couple of weeks ago. I had another aha moment along similar lines there (which I’m sure kicked the pebble for this much deeper Mother’s Day one).
You see right before I left on that trip, without 48 hours of each other, the last two men I’d been involved with contacted me separately and independently. One even wrote sharing how he couldn’t stop thinking about me.
Well neither of these relationships ended on a, let’s say, positive note. In fact, I ended both of them for basically the same reason: they were uninvested and detached having heavily pursued me then sort of disengaged in to some kind of indifference. That’s a terrible thing to be on the receiving end of and very disorienting. One of them turned on a dime right before my very eyes.
Now the one I’m about to tell you about, the one I actually met for coffee yesterday (I will call him R) was someone who seriously pursued me like I was a winning lottery ticket floating down the street in front of him slipping through his grasp.
When we met, I wasn’t really in a place of relationship being at the front of my mind–I had just moved John out here, he was living with me, my life was changing drastically. I couldn’t imagine it. But I met R and he thought I was IT. I was marginally interested at first but after weeks and weeks of hot pursuit I started letting my guard down to the point where I said “yes I will be exclusive with you”.
And two days later, he disengaged. Well, actually he did that very moment. I saw it and felt it–I’m sensitive that way. He just unplugged and to make matters worse, made it seem like I should have known this was coming (he was right but more on that in a minute).
Yes, he was the one who wrote two weeks ago, two years later, “I can’t get you out of my head”. Interesting right?
I was leaving for this uplifting, soul stirring conference in the morning and I’ve got THIS man to deal with the night before.
So I did what any spiritual seeker heading toward enlightenment would do. I went on attack mode. 😉
Oh I let him have it trust me. I let him know how he’d treated me, how surprising it was that I was in his head at all because of how indifferent he was toward me when I was actually dating him, how whatever feeling he was having right now tripping down memory lane I’m sure was born out of a momentary boredom and not something real, how he roped me in but was pursuing many women at the same time toward the end…on and on in three separate emails I let him know exactly what was what.
And I felt so proud of myself for finally standing up for myself and telling him the truth of how he’d made me feel (ha). I used words like “you devalued me” and basically lots of “you did, you didn’t, you you you”.
And I felt like absolute shit that night falling asleep after that trip town memory lane Hell. And was kicking myself that I was headed to Revelation with that feeling. Not a feeling of excitement or anticipation but a feeling of toxicity. Bummer.
I shook it off the next day at the airport but a shadow of it was lingering.
Right up until the second day where two of the talks just opened my mind. Rev. Michael Beckwith came in to the audience with a microphone that afternoon and was working with people to look at their “patterns” in a new way. My friend Max, who I went with, kept nudging me to stand up but I didn’t. What I did do though was superimpose my own pattern on to the dialoguing he was doing with each person. When he asked them to identify a pattern they wanted to change mine was always “men who come on to me like I’m so special then turn on a dime and abandon me”. That one has happened in a variety of forms for years now. To the point where I think I developed a bona fide PTSD from it and that’s no joke.
But of course what’s standing in the middle of that pattern?
Rev. Michael also said something that hit me between the eyeballs. He said (paraphrasing), that if you are living your life guarding against this pattern, looking for it so you can avoid it, you are still magnetizing it because it’s still what you are focusing on. You have to be ready to let it go completely.
Now if that wasn’t enough to get me reeling, Rev. Sheila McKeithen speaks later that day and she’s just one of those people who no matter what she says, I listen. Carefully. I encountered her at this conference probably a decade ago and she had that impact on me the first time and every time. I take note, I trust her, I am led by her.
She was talking about staying in the present. That so often we respond to situations from our wounds from the past so we miss the gift that is coming right here and now. I think she was talking about parents saying even though we came to this life through them, we truly inherit nothing. We have our own trajectory that is unaffected by anything they’ve done. That we need to stay bound to ourselves, our HIGHER selves and where that life is leading us. I’m totally extrapolating but this is part of what she said that lit more of a fire on my aha moment.
I sat there and realized that these two men contacted me within 48 hours of each other, right before this conference for a reason. And the reason was to show me that they still held me in regard, were still thinking of me, still cared about me. Everything I’d felt had become “abandoned” and “devalued” when I ended things was simply not true. At least not in the present. Men don’t cycle back in to a woman’s life for no reason or casually. These men are still thinking about me 2 and 3 years later I had such an impact on them! Wow! Talk about a reframe!
They didn’t come back around to remind me how discardable and unvaluable I am–the OPPOSITE.
Suddenly I saw the dynamic between R and I completely differently. He kept responding to my defensiveness and attacks with words like “I’m just trying to tell you I FELT something with you dammit!”. And I wouldn’t let myself take it in. Until Rev. Sheila got a hold of me.
I went right back to my room after that and I wrote him this:
Giving this a little more thought and taking a little space to respond what I really want to say is this. I’m glad you felt something with me. That reinforces I’m energizing the world in a positive way. And that I do get seen and appreciated. It ended because it was supposed to. No one is to blame. And I wish both of is our biggest dreams coming true.
Ok take another breath here. Talk about a turnaround.
I met R for coffee yesterday. It was nice to see him. We decided we can be friends. We have quite a bit in common, live near each other, have fun together and he’s in a field that can be very helpful and supportive with some of my life’s challenges and is offering me that support. It’s a win/win.
It was easy and comfortable seeing him. We spoke frankly about what happened between us back then. He owned what he did yet I also owned that I didn’t pay attention enough when he told me, on the front end. That he had a pattern of idealizing women then suddenly getting turned off. Now he shared this in the vein of “I’m so surprised this isn’t happening with you–you must be the One!“. But really, I should have paid better attention right in that moment. Or maybe I did and my own fear of truly bonding with a man drove
drives me to seek those who I know will never be fully available. Chaching. I can own that and did.
In the present though, he wasn’t defensive and I wasn’t attacking but speaking in a real way about what was going on. It was very healing, at least for me.
What I know is this. It’s important for me to walk in a new reality that is unencumbered by whatever has happened to me in the past on this quest for true love. I have to let all of that go and welcome a brand new future. And taking in thoughts and feelings from men who do admire and value me is critical to healing those wounds. So that’s what I’m doing right now and I have to say it feels amazing.
Guarding yourself against an old pattern may keep you sort of “safe” in a way but it also keeps you shut down, isolated and limited. And magnetizing that thing because you’re always on guard for it. Make sense?
Ok now on to the next thing from yesterday–well two things–more on a lighter note.
I decided to go on this 10 day Sugar Detox and started yesterday. I’ve not been comfortable in my skin and feeling sluggish and let me tell you, nothing highlights that more than going on a date. So I decided to do something about it. I followed it almost to the letter yesterday (I did have coffee) but I already feel pretty amazing, even after one day.
I noticed in dance yesterday how swollen my ankles were yet after a night of up and down releasing water last night my ankles are at least half down. It’s actually very easy to do (for me) and gives me a great feeling of accomplishment taking care of myself like this. So I’ll probably be blogging about it for the next 10 days.
I also went treasure hunting again yesterday for my room redux and found this treasure.
I just love it and so do my cats. They both hopped on it as soon as I brought it in. I’ll be painting the wood, just not sure the color quite yet.
And on my painting spree, finished this plate rack and put my mother’s china on it.
I also started working on this chair that I think was my Grandma’s. I almost have enough chairs now to have a dinner party.
I guess that’s about it for now.
I’m feeling very well, hope you all are too. And hope passing along these little life jumps springs in to your life in some small or big way.
Now, it’s time for my morning smoothie and to get in to this beautiful day.
Oh wait! One more thing! I thought I’d lost my new/old glasses and yesterday…found them! Good fortune all around.