depression

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depression

Every single person in my family, that I’m aware of, has dealt with depression at some time in their life.  To varying degrees.

I’m thinking all three of us are dealing with it at some level at the moment.

I just feel like I’m slogging through a swamp most of these last few days.  It just is what it is.  Sometimes my life just backs up on me.

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I jokingly told my friend Amy on Saturday that I felt like I was a walking in retrograde person.

I tried pumping gas and the pump just wouldn’t process my card so had to drive over to another pump while pressing the wrong button lifting my hatch while I was driving and not opening my gas door.

I later went to pick up frozen yogurt for us and four of the flavors were out including every single chocolate flavor.  Seriously?

I am rolling my eyes now even typing that like it’s some sort of serious problem but she did request chocolate and mint and mint isn’t the same without chocolate.  It just seemed like everything I attempted to accomplish was met with resistance.

Now that I write those stupid examples they seem so petty and they are.  It’s also a symptom of depression that irritations are exaggerated and small things get washed with a paintbrush of everything sucks.

Or I’m just failing at everything I try to do.

And/or I really shouldn’t be out in the world right now coupled with debilitating loneliness staying at home alone.

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Yet at the end of the day I reviewed my accomplishments for the day and realized I did drive around paying two bills and did recon on my new flooring project and found what I needed to for that.  Not a lost day entirely.

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And I followed through on my latest plan for when I’m in a funk:

Resist the urge to do some retail therapy and do some decluttering therapy instead.  Meaning instead of bringing something new in to the house, get rid of something old.  That feels so much better honestly.

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On another note, my Dad leaves on Wednesday for about a month.  He’s driving across the country again…sigh.  Not my first choice for transportation for him but he wants to do what he prefers so that’s that.  I support him.  I’m planning though on meeting him on the way back and driving most of the way back to AZ with him in April which should be an adventure.  😉

And yet another note, I did talk to Cindy’s old friend who wrote me that letter and it was a very heartfelt conversation.  He broke down in tears over the phone with me after harboring twenty five years of guilt.  He wrote me a second letter (it’s kind of touching he’s writing snail mail letters, kind of a blast from the past from 1988) and I’m looking forward to seeing him soon.  I think once I see him in person I’ll remember him.  He’s clearly met me on several occasions but I don’t place his name. He’s definitely legit as he remembers so many minute details of Cindy’s life.   It will be good to make that reconnection.

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Alfonse isn’t doing that great right now.  Not terrible but the depression is just consistently high.  Thankfully he has lots of support around him in terms of his Dr., advocate, peer support person and the program which seems to be working out really well, thank God.  His Psychiatrist is seeing him weekly and always trying new strategies to help him. That is just about the best you can hope for and we sure do appreciate him.

I’m headed to Sedona Wed. to take a class (which will help my funk and a large reason why I’m taking it) and he will likely join me up there over the weekend.  I may move him in to my house for awhile after my Dad leaves.   We’ll just have to see how it goes.

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I wish this was a more sunshiney kind of post as it’s just absolutely gorgeous weather here in AZ.

But it just is what it is.

I think I’ll go back upstairs now and dredge through my closet again and get rid of some more stuff.

I think that will help me feel better.

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I just ran in to this poem online and am adding it here because I just want to end this post on this note:

HOKUSAI SAYS

Hokusai says Look carefully.
He says pay attention, notice.
He says keep looking, stay curious.
He says there is no end to seeing.

He says Look Forward to getting old.
He says keep changing,
you just get more who you really are.
He says get stuck, accept it, repeat yourself
as long as it’s interesting.

He says keep doing what you love.
He says keep praying.
He says every one of us is a child,

every one of us is ancient,
every one of us has a body.
He says every one of us is frightened.
He says every one of us has to find a way to live with fear.

He says everything is alive –
shells, buildings, people, fish, mountains, trees.
Wood is alive.
Water is alive.
Everything has its own life.
Everything lives inside us.
He says live with the world inside you.

He says it doesn’t matter if you draw, or write books.
It doesn’t matter if you saw wood, or catch fish.
It doesn’t matter if you sit at home
and stare at the ants on your verandah or the shadows of the trees
and grasses in your garden.

It matters that you care.
It matters that you feel.
It matters that you notice.
It matters that life lives through you.

Contentment is life living through you.
Joy is life living through you.
Satisfaction and strength
are life living through you.
Peace is life living through you.

He says don’t be afraid.
Don’t be afraid.
Look, feel, let life take you by the hand.
Let life live through you.

-Roger Keyes

6 thoughts on “depression

  1. spellbound4

    KCL, have you been following me around today? 🙂 I think my day has been much like yours. I was feeling disjointed and as though I haven’t accomplished a darned thing. Then I read your blog and it made me realize just how much I actually have done! Quite a lot, if I may say so. I just needed a boot in the you-know-what to step back and ponder a bit on my day and make a mental list of what can be crossed off. now I need a nap 😉 Whew, that was a lot of stuff! I didn’t get to that clean-out-the-closet today, but it is a work in progress. What a parallel our lives often take…..

    hugs for Alfonse, and a wink and a nod to you!

  2. good to see you hanging in there Kathy. One day at a time. You are doing great. Just stay focused on the positive and things will fall into place for you..I am certain of this. Miss your face beautiful 🙂

  3. norsegirl

    You summed up my day (it’s only 10:00am here) and my mood quite nicely! Ugh! You are not alone, and thank you for sharing the good, the bad and the ugly it helps many of us feel more normal. It will get better- it has to right! XO

  4. PMLsmom

    KCL – where have you been lately? I miss your blog/posts. I hope all is well with you, Alfonse,friends and family. Hugs and prayers…Robin

  5. Penelope Kimble-Yanez

    I often have worried that because I am mostly home bound that I am allowing too much of life passing me by. I am so grateful that you included that message from Roger Keyes. It matters that I care and feel…Those thoughts have comforted my mind. Thank you so much Kathy.

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