shelby lynne

I typically sit each morning with my coffee and water and laptop listening to 968 on the Sirius channel which is called “Impressions”. That station has turned me on to such good music that I’d likely not hear anywhere else.

For example the singer Shelby Lynne who I heard yesterday. I can’t find the song I heard anywhere to post but in my searching ran across a session she did with Daryl Hall at his stellar and amazing Live At Daryl’s House show. It’s worth checking out on the Palladia channel if you get it.

I found this heart wrenching song and in the process went a googlin about Ms. Lynne and realized why I feel such a connection to her vibe even though I’m definitely not a country music fan generally.

I also ran in to these quotes from her on a page where someone has basically just edited some things she’s said in interviews I guess.

“I like strength. I depend on my own.”

“I insist on the truth. I surround myself with people who tell the truth.”

“You know, I’m trying to sometimes sit down and write some stories about my childhood and maybe one when I’m an old lady put them out like a book.”

“I can find some way to make poetry out of my life’s experiences.”

These were the ones that really touched me to the core.

As I read on about Shelby, I discovered that she’s suffered her own family tragedy. Her father killed her mother, then killed himself.

When she was seventeen.

I’m saying a quiet nod to Shelby Lynne today for pulling me in with her voice and making me stay with her soul.

superpower

First off please feel free to enjoy the soundtrack to this post:

My friend JJ sent me this quote yesterday that was like an arrow straight to the center of all my heart chambers at once.

“The original abandonment, the original abuse, the original horror has some reason and meaning in it. It is not senseless. It is not like being run down like a dog on the highway. Its meaning most often is the development of tremendous strength, tremendous power, tremendous intuition. And I will tell you frankly that most of the people who are the greatest healers living on the face of this earth are unmothered children. One of the great gifts of the unmothered child – and also the healer, and the writer and the musician and all those in the arts who live so close with their ear against the heartbeat of the archetypal unconscious – one of their strongest aspects is intuition.”

by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

And it came with this illustration by an artist named Boris Pelcer:

Not consciously remembering this, I woke up for the second time this morning, this time at 10am (don’tcha love sleeping in when you can?) with this thought in my head.

You can be abandoned and betrayed by every single person in your life who is supposed to keep you safe, at any and every stage of your life and yet you can still find a place of safety and belonging in this world.

If there is a memoir or a book to be written in me, that will be the theme at it’s deepest heart chamber.

I’ve told many stories here and there will be a day where I may tell all of the stories which drive me to that theme.

But these are serious words. They are fighting words. They are surrendering words. They are peace-finding words.

They are the words of a person who knows they will be the last one standing in their lineage.

They are words of a person who has been and will be tested for the duration.

And they are words of a warrior who stands strong and who finds a path unaltered by any of it.

I’m thinking just writing those words out loud helps solidify a path or a direction on a path or the awareness the path even exists.

There is a place inside of me that I feel; most every day I feel it, that has been untouched by any of all that.

It’s like that place inside a dream when you know you’re under full attack, in full danger, free falling, watching the road crash up to meet you and yet knows you will wake up safe.

I have that in me in all of my waking days, in spite of everything else.

And that my friends is my gift, I mean the one I received coming on to this planet in this lifetime.

My friend Amy asked recently “What’s your Superpower?”.

Well, that’s mine.

Ok, that and the skill that I can look at a clock, at any time of day, tell myself that I will wake up at an exact time for example ten minutes later. And I will go in to a deep sleep and wake up at that exact minute fresh as a daisy.

But I got that one from my Grandma Buddha who used to say “I have an alarm clock in my head”. That one’s genetic I think.

This other one came from the place I came from before this. Like a talisman. That’s always been with me and will never leave me.

It’s my spark that peeps through my eyes when I’m not tired.

And it’s untouchable.

What’s your Superpower?

help is on the way

I’m sure many of you regular readers are awaiting an update on the meeting with my lawyer yesterday.

Let’s just say I walked out there feeling lighter than air as we hashed out a reasonable solution to address this dangerous situation, at least for now. I don’t want to share much of it publicly because, well I just don’t. But suffice to say, when I walked in and my attorney Chick walked in with all of the emails I’ve sent him over the last week in his hand telling me he’d discussed this with every other attorney in the firm, including a retired Judge he still refers to as “Your Honor” he respects him so much, I felt at the very least validated and at the most under a wing of serious protection now.

We are proceeding with a plan which I believe will meet all of the important goals and allow me to let go and enjoy my relationship with my family under an umbrella of safety and care.

I’ve been reflecting a lot as you can imagine on sociopaths and their agendas and tactics. I don’t want to focus too much on that right now as honestly I feel quite OD’d on the subject at the moment and it’s a very dark unending black hole of pathology when you start looking at it. But I will say that when I look at things like our family’s tragedy; Cindy’s murder and then Travis Alexander’s and those sociopaths involved and that they were able to operate within a veil of secrecy. They love hiding like that and working their particular forms of devious manipulations. Michael Apelt rushing Cindy off to marry him in secret with a whole secrecy about it that he somehow managed to make sense to her. Jodi Arias performing her most sophisticated maneuvers on Travis Alexander through private phone sex sessions and in the bedroom, comfortable hiding their relationship from others then ultimately sneaking across the country changing her hair color, sneakily purchasing gas cans to hide her whereabouts in an entire state. Things like that. Like the vermin they are, they like operating in the dark. This sociopath attached to my Dad is no exception.

Well this one now is utterly exposed. He doesn’t know how exposed he is. I mean EXPOSED. And not one person who is aware of his existence and pathology and machinations is not in alignment with me and my opinions on this. Not. one. Including the entire set of partners in one of the most prestigious law firms in Phoenix.

Help, indeed.

view from my lawyer’s office 16th floor conference room

Speaking of prestigious, how ironic that my lawyer angel Chick Arnold was written up in the paper yesterday on the front page of the Valley and State section! Check it out!

http://www.azcentral.com/news/politics/articles/20140107lawsuit-arizona-care-seriously-mentally-ill-settled.html

By the way, he specializes in mental health law and elder law as well as estate planning. Basically he’s the Kathy Monkman One Stop Shopping Attorney from God. I tell you, I’ve been guided to some mighty amazing assistance in my life. Angels all around. Fierce angels.

I told Chick “I love you” yesterday in a spontaneous utterance but I did mean it. How inappropriate. 😉 Ask me if I care about that.

After hashing and rehashing solutions to this dilemna, we also got to talking about John and what’s going on there. He was entirely unsurprised that the ACT Team and Choices Network cut him off at the knees like that in some kind of punitive fashion. He was entirely supportive of my plan to document all of THAT debacle as well and submit it to a serious source like HuffPo or something. We definitely have a story to tell. I just need the time to organize it in a cohesive manner and write it.

He also acknowledged, bringing me to tears, that my life seems to be a whole lot about putting out fires all around me. Which is true. I need to start planning a trip back to the Ranch after all of this. I feel like I move through my life from crisis to crisis as a bodyguard, sister, daughter, case manager, social worker. And I have a full time job as a therapist.

I’m exhausted.

But I’m relieved as well which is giving me energy. Let’s just say I’ve been monitoring this precarious, escalating dangerous situation for a decade quietly and piercing the silence stirred things up but also is bringing in much needed oxygen.

My Psychologist last night just kept shaking her head at the bizarrity of all that I’ve been dealing with and insisted on hugging me after the session with just one of those looks like….”wow”. Let’s just say I’ll be seeing her weekly through March.

I’m following through on one of my resolutions to take better care of myself and that’s part of it.

And, coming up on another post, I joined a creativity group where I’ll writing, drawing and painting again! I’ll be going out this weekend to get all my painting supplies! I’m so psyched!

Dancing and drawing and painting.…creativity is where it’s at. That’s the world where my life rafts float.

Thanks for reading out there and sending light our way. It’s felt and appreciated.

xoxo

inspiration

I’m here to tell you, life is bombarding me right now with so much intensely positive inspiration that it’s just not gonna let me get caught in any kind of trap of fear or negativity right now. And I say a big fat THANK YOU back to life for this! The first week of 2014 was not exactly simple or kind but I’m thinking what it was was necessary.

What’s making itself known without reservation right now are waves of inspiration cresting and falling all over me. That’s probably some terrible grammar right there but I’m tired and I just can’t figure out how to correct it at the moment so….there ya have it.

Yesterday I received two miracle moments related to my writing that just lifted me right up in to another sphere that no amount of evil or nastiness could ever come close to.

I will write about one of them right now.

I was asked last year to submit a chapter in a book about testimonials related to Myofascial Release being compiled by my friend Phil Tavolacci. His book was published last summer to great reviews and I was honored to be a part of it. His book is titled “What’s In Your Web?”. I’m happy and excited for Phil in completing this project and the success he’s having.

Last weekend I received an email from a woman wanting an appointment, saying she found me via my chapter in Phil’s book. My schedule is unusually open at the moment so I was able to get her in within 3 days. She’s only in town for a couple of weeks she said.

I made the assumption that she found Phil’s book because she had a therapist elsewhere or perhaps was a therapist herself as his book is new and highly specialized of course. So imagine my surprise when she came in and told the story of how she’d found the book and thus, me.

She shared about walking through my local independent bookstore Changing Hands and wandering around and “this book nearly flew off the shelf and in to (her) hands”. She had heard nothing about me or Myofascial Release before.

This woman shared about how as she read along, Phil quoted someone in his part of the writing who has the exact same name as her mother–first and last names. Then as she read further and Phil described his own testimonial/coming to become a MFR therapist, he mentions the college he went to and it is the exact college her father went to.

She took all of these things as signs she was on the right track reading about this unique form of therapy.

As she read along, in to my chapter, she realized I was right in her back yard. And she also knew the primary issues she needed to deal with are emotional, affecting her body physically, which is basically what my entire chapter is about.

She broke down in tears in the waiting room, before the session even started, knowing she’d found a path that can really help her heal her own “ancient wounds” as John F. Barnes calls them.

We had a great session and for me, more than anything, her story catapulted me in to a place of knowing all is well in the world.

We’ve been in the clutches of some real darkness affecting our family including threats and, according to my father, a potential for violence. With all we’ve been through as a family, you can only imagine how this impacts us. I’ve been cutting through my own wall of denial and dealing and alerting all who need alerting.

On that note, I’m meeting with my attorney today to discuss options. What legal protections need to be initiated to set boundaries for all of us. I take sociopathy very seriously as anyone should. It’s inherently dangerous.

Pretty much everyone important in our family sphere, people of influence, have been alerted to this situation and this person which I think is the way to handle these kinds of things. Shine the light while showing them to the door.

Every single murder victim’s family I’ve ever met (including my family) has moments where they knew something felt wrong and potentially dangerous and wish they’d acted on it.

Well, I’m acting on it this time. In a big way.

And for that, I feel completely confident.

This individual really had no idea what he was up against. I’ve been prepared for twenty five years for him.

And there is an Army around me…and my father. This sociopath has no idea…

Now, back to the regularly scheduled miracles that are unfolding all around me, even in the midst of this situation. I know where the real Power lies.

sociopathy 2

Just to follow up on my previous post, I am definitely seriously embroiled right now in protecting my family from a dangerous person. There have been discussions and the situation is in a state of semi chaos at the moment. I have an appointment this week with my attorney to discuss how to proceed including a potential restraining order. I’m just going to hash it out with him and follow his advice. It’s not really how I intended to start off 2014 but this has been a festering boil for over a decade and it was escalating therefore time to confront it. You don’t pop that kind of infection and not expect the pus to ooze (sorry for the graphic, it’s just the way it is).

The good thing is this man is across the country with limited means. But my father admits he has potential for violence against both of us (which did not surprise me in the least) yet he is unable to close the door at this stage. My father also said “he does have sociopathic traits”. (duh).

Sigh…

It is my opinion that this is a classic case of elder abuse and I may be proceeding along those lines. I just don’t know yet. I do know that this is why lawyers exist to guide you in situations like this.

I also know we’ve had two too many sociopaths in our family already, which I told my father. But I’ve said it for 25 years, I never underestimate the manipulative power of a sociopath and my father is firmly entrenched in his clutches.

It’s a very sticky wicket. Please keep me in your prayers. I seriously hoped I’d never have to confront this kind of thing again in my life but here I am again. It’s disheartening. Luckily I have a lot of people in law enforcement and the legal world who have my back. I still don’t like the notion of this snake in our sphere though. He doesn’t really know who he’s messing with apparently. He’s had the audacity to become verbally abusive and threatening with me now–not smart. Even though he’s been circling around sneaky in our sphere for over a decade, I’ve only met him twice. But I’m a sleuther and have a whole lot of information and am not afraid to share it where it matters.

Part of the reason I’m writing at all about this on the blog is to heighten the documentation/awareness. He’s been hiding in his hideyhole for too long. I think shining light on this kind of thing is a smart thing to do.

On another note, Alfonse and I had our first Ballroom Dance class last night and had a blast! He did really well. The teacher is a trip–it’s almost like she’s a character in one of those “Best In Show” movies, super serious in a funny way. I’ll have to get a pic of her.

We’re going every week now for a three months I think. I think we will get pretty good! haha It’s fun to have that to do together and to see Alfonse come alive with other people too. It’s good for us!

Please keep holding my family in light right now. We need it.

Xoxo

Oh wait, how could I forget? I’d like to introduce this sociopath to my bodyguard. Ok? I think I’ll direct any future threats and abuses to be sent via Sebastian. 😉

sociopathy

It’s sad to say that our family has repeatedly been touched by sociopaths.

Obviously in the case of Cindy, my sister, who was murdered by a sociopath or at least one sociopath with his accomplice, a weaker personality, but still violent brother.

My father’s life has been also touched by a sociopath who I’m in the process right now of dealing with and protecting all of us from. It’s taken a few years for the bubble to be burst on this escalating toxic situation but it happened. And I can honestly say I feel a sense of relief for that. Luckily, at this stage, I have attorneys and support in place to help us manage it. Sociopaths are dangerous. And they prey on vulnerable people, for example an elderly man whose life has been exceedingly challenging.

The attorney who prosecuted the men who killed my sister met this sociopath parasitically attached to my father once and identified him as “the scariest person I’ve ever met”. And I’ve been knowing he’s in our family’s sphere for over a decade feeling the exact same way. Trying to figure out what to do. 2014 is different.

I know what to do.

I’m fielding off this toxic person directly right now–alone– and dealing with his escalation that the lid has been blown on his cover. I went searching for some basic guidelines that I’ve not read for awhile about how to deal with sociopathy. I thought this may be helpful out there.

The man who has infiltrated our lives represents every single characteristic on this list.

1. Do you often feel used by the person?

2. Have you often felt that he (or she, because women can be sociopaths too) doesn’t care about you?

3. Does he lie and deceive you?

4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?

5. Does he tend to take from you and not give back much?

6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he seem to try to make you feel sorry for him?

7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?

8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage of your good nature?

9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant stimulation?

10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even if he says nothing overtly complimentary?

11. Does he make you feel worried? Does he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily?

12. Does he give you the impression you owe him?

13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but himself?

Ignoring, creating a boundary of protection and holding it is where I’m at right now. And getting support around me/my family. It’s scary and I, of all people, know what sociopaths are capable of.

Yes, after cancer, abuse, murder and schizophrenia life is still tossing our family drama in the form of sociopathy (again) which, in my opinion, is what evil is on this Earth. I have learned though how to throw down a boundary. This person is escalating because simply I don’t think he had any idea of what he might be up against with me.

Please wish me luck navigating these waters. I’m meeting with my attorney this week and potentially obtaining a restraining order. I suspect that will be inevitable now. Yes, it’s that real. Threats have been made.

I hope this article may help someone else out there too:

http://www.youmeworks.com/sociopaths.html

raindrops on roses

All three of us- my Dad, me and Alfonse- admitted today we were experiencing some degree of depression. We just all kind of went though some collective chaos yesterday that left us with residual emotional hangovers. I don’t know about them but the memory of burying Cindy on New Years Eve twenty five years ago kept bursting in to my brain over last year’s last day. Among other things.

I decided we needed to get out of the house today and get moving- head over to the next town for lunch and shopping. Alfonse was feeling so blue he tried to back out but I insisted he come.

On the drive there I recalled the song “My Favorite Things” which is all about pulling yourself out of a funk by remembering things you love.

I’m a big lover of road games so initiated this one and we filled up my car with the aroma of cinnamon rolls and pine trees, our new mantle that I threw some belated Christmas decorations on this morning, musicals, reclining movie seats and root beer.

I reached back while driving and held my brother’s hand who squeezed back hard holding mine until I needed it again for the wheel.

We stopped at a small cafe for lunch, all of us already feeling better, more connected in our circle, ordering asparagus soup, meatloaf sandwiches and blt’s.

Our soups arrived- one for me, one for my Dad both emblazoned with a message. A harbinger of goodness, a signal from beyond, relayed just for our table as we noticed the same soup, delivered to the very next table just moments later with only a simple squiggle on top.

Signs of life all around us if only we say yes.

Happy New Year.

	Dominic Benton on Writing again
	Robert Hamilton on american monster
	Cindy on american monster
	katiecoolady on american monster
	SUSAN BAKER on american monster

two innocents

(to innocence)

Month: January 2014