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phoenix

I remember reading that Scorpios often do the crash and burn then rise like a Phoenix from the ashes thing in order to grow and transform.  Now who ever wants to crash and burn?  That would be pretty much no one.  But it’s a good thing I remembered that this morning when I woke up from a short winter’s nap straight in to that transformational fire.  Yeah, it burns.

I’m happy to share, as I wind down for the evening, that my day evolved in to something just unexpectedly beautiful.

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It’s moments of desperation that bring us to that place of surrender and those cracks that come with heavy life blows that create space for Grace to enter.  That’s exactly what today felt like for me.

I’ve often said “humiliation isn’t such a bad thing if it can breed humility”.  I will add to that, “a broken heart can be beautiful medicine if it cracks opens that armored heart to it’s soft underbelly to allow more love in (and out)”.

I will say both of those things apply to my last twenty four hours.  And I’m grateful.

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bizarre hair day reflects my strange morning

I sat next to my father today in the theatre (we saw the Broadway touring production of Evita) and also next to one of my all time favorite human beings Cathy Hughes (who prosecuted our two trials).  As my body was still processing some shaky trauma and a stressed nervous system I realized, during the second act, that I’d started to soften.  But soften not just in my body but my heart and especially toward my dear father seated next to me.

Something alchemical was happening and I could feel it quietly and warmly flowing through me like a stream of melting butter filling some kinds of once blocked spaces softening and opening with it’s warm deliciousness.

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All I know is I sat there knowing an opening had occurred with my father that I didn’t even realize I was seeking or needing or craving or had a key to.  It just happened.

I used the words “I am heart broken” over some now less loaded events over the last day and then realized hey, that’s ok It’s ok to be broken open sometimes by life.  Even for the breaker, I felt some compassion.  Not connection but compassion.  Sometimes distance is the right remedy for that too.  Relief.walk_into_distance

The day unfolded with laughter and love and patience and understanding and curiosity and love and more laughter and silliness and fun and more love with my family.  Which is really where it’s at.  We ended up for dinner at one of my favorite comfort food places Beaver Choice (I know, it’s true, that’s the name).  The owner Hanna and I are good friends she’s like walking- Swedish accented-Prozac for me.  The minute she sees me, every single time, she lets out a Swedish squeal and gives me one of those huge Mama hugs.  Then she grabs whoever is near her, today my Dad, and lives out exactly what I told him in the car she would do.

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I want to put this pic in a frame, my Dad photo bombing Hanna and her “Beaver Supreme” signature dessert–we all nearly peed laughing at this

Hugging me with one arm, she says “We call her Business Woman, she was one of my very first customers at my old location on our second day!”.  Just the sight of her lifts my spirits, the hugs and smiles and connection are all over the top.

We had just a fun evening of laughs and at dinner I got a darling text from my dear Sebastian who’s been busy in his own life and we haven’t connected in the last couple of days.  I always feel a jolt of happiness when I see his name show up anywhere.  And he uses the big red X O X O emoticons with his texts.  Shhhhh…don’t tell him the tingle I get with that.  Nor the one I get viewing this:

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I also got several welfare checks (texts, calls) today from people just knowing I was going through something.  That kind of unsolicited kindness, well it means the world to me.  And I told one of them just that thing.  Thank you again Katie.  You too K.W. and you too Marianne.  I can’t express enough just how a checking in quick note lifts my spirits like ten thousand hot air balloons rising in unison.  It’s the simplest things sometimes.

Then I came home to all of these wonderful comments on the blog.  After saying goodbye in the parking lot to my Dad and brother and all three of with smiles saying “wasn’t this just a great day?”.

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Did I mention someone walked up to Alfonse at the theatre saying “Alfonse, I know you!” and it’s because of this blog, she recognized him.  He’s famous!  Thank you Lety!  🙂

I woke up thinking this day was going to be a challenge to put it mildly start to finish but then….it all just started shifting.  I started shifting.

All I can say is I’m going to bed tonite a much lighter person than I woke up, certainly than I was last night and for that I thank everyone involved.  And yes, you.  I mean you too.  Thank you for the earthquake you sent my way.

I like the feel of this new soil under my feet.  🙂

PS.  I just went looking for a poem that’s echoing in my memory with the words “broken open” and I ran in to this quote.  I did not read this prior to writing this post.  Eerily similar.  From a film called Pariah:

Heartbreak opens onto the sunrise for even breaking is opening and I am broken, I am open. Broken into the new life without pushing in, open to the possibilities within, pushing out. See the love shine in through my cracks? See the light shine out through me? I am broken, I am open, I am broken open. See the love light shining through me, shining through my cracks, through the gaps. My spirit takes journey, my spirit takes flight, could not have risen otherwise and I am not running, I am choosing. Running is not a choice from the breaking. Breaking is freeing, broken is freedom. I am not broken, I am free.

4 thoughts on “light

  1. That poem speaks volumes to me. I am so glad you shared it here.

    Love, love, love that ALFONSE was recognized — he is very special to so many, and I hope he knows that. We care, we love, we want to hug him.

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