“Be a part of a human kaleidoscope!”
I wrote that yesterday as part of an invitation to a dance/movement class I teach in Sedona coming up in a couple of weeks. We explore all different forms of movement together including that one–the human kaleidoscope. It’s super fun and something I look forward to when I get the opportunity to teach it a few times a year up there. The kaleidoscope part of the class is all about experiencing yourself in different positions and shapes and continually changing, yet still part of a connected whole that’s also continually changing around you. Really physically embodying that. It generates the most feedback of any other part of that 90 minute class.
Funny I woke up this morning thinking about that very thing. I guess I gave myself an admonition through my own words yesterday.
I got real sad yesterday afternoon/last evening. That kind of sad where you’re driving and your jaw is quivering and you’re holding back tears because you’ve just put on makeup and don’t want it ruined before you even get where you’re going. Yeah, that.
It was good that I was going up to Late Night Love to eat Charleen’s soul food again and share with my friend Marianne who I knew would exactly understand what was making me sad.
The details aren’t important but the theme is what I want to share. Let’s just say I got hit with a reality that comes up, understandably, in my life from time to time. I say understandably because when a person is 53 and single, you do get to be reminded, often, about how the world is often spinning on it’s axis in a two by two posture. And just when you feel like you’ve found a place of belonging, the world will remind you again just where you stand. Just a little bit on the outside. A little bit looking in.
It often feels like there’s this race and the goal is to get on the Ark and once you get there, ahhhh…I made it, I can now be amongst the world of two by two and thank God I don’t ever have to be out there swimming again. I know I’ve written about this theme before and I guess I will keep writing about it until…well until I don’t need to anymore for any reason. It’s a deep one for me.
I got hit by that reminder within 24 hours yesterday by two well meaning people who had no intention really of pushing that button. In fact one did so in the middle of an apology for doing just that thing. And at the same time, did it again.
Being single, I don’t know, sometimes people think it’s just ok to let you know that you’re considered on the back burner in case a slot opens up for you in the world of couples. That somehow you’re just sitting around waiting for that lucky, coveted spot. The one that why would you ever consider yourself deserving of, all by your self, all by your lonesome when it’s part of a PAIR, that spot? But oh, now there might be a last minute cancellation of one of the pairs so surely you can fill it now, right? Would love to have you. Would really love to see you. In a couple of hours. In case the other person doesn’t show.
Or in the form of “I sure am thinking about all the fun times we used to have doing this one thing now that I’m doing that exact thing we discovered to do together with someone new and reminding you we will never do it again even though it was OUR thing, but I’m thinking of our special times together!”. Great.
It’s not intentional salt in the would but nonetheless it’s there, stinging. And we’re just supposed to take it. Or rather, I’m just supposed to take it.
Oh I’m so happy for you that you’ve replaced me with what you were really wanting all along. I’m just so happy for you!
Oh, sure of course you wouldn’t think to invite me on the front end but gee, if I’m lucky enough a space will open up at the last minute and since I’m always just sitting here, alone without plans on a Saturday night, I’d be honored and so blessed to fill that for you!.
It stings, of course it does. And I got real sad last night thinking about it.
But instead of staying home, feeling sorry for myself, I got my ass dressed, makeup on and went out for Pho with Marianne and just let it out. She’s single too so this is not a new story for her.
But I cried, I sure did cry. And I felt like crap.
As I drove up to Scottsdale, shoving tears back in my throat, I remembered right after I lost Cindy I knew I’d lost an irreplacable and very specific thing that I’d have to navigate the rest of my life.
I lost being the most important person in someone’s life. Being that person their axis spins on and they’d drop everything for. It’s a huge commodity. I knew I’d have that every day of my life with my sister and I lost it. I’ve never felt it again.
I don’t know if I’ll get it again but this world is a scary and lonely place when you stare that fact in the face. Like I did last night. Like I’m doing right now.
And that’s about all the time I can give that thought at the moment.
Yet I woke up this morning thinking about that kaleidoscope. How it’s always just so subtlely shifting but always changing your perspective in to something new, something equally as beautiful as the last and the next image.
How fortunate I feel to know this and have the freedom to live it. That sometimes it’s just that, a simple shift in perspective. Oh, now I know what this is and isn’t so I’ll just shift my idea/expectation/plan and see what it is vs. what I thought it was. And if it’s something that fits for me. Because there’s another view waiting, that’s for sure.
Like the reminding myself that I do have coupled friends who make me a priority. I don’t know how they do it but they manage to pull that off with finesse. Also I have a cousin who does. Interestingly it shows up when you least expect it, just like a new pop of color entering in to that kaleidoscope image.
All three of the women I’m thinking about right now have little kids at home, one of whom has special needs. And then there’s the boys in Sedona. I have more of that other thing than I realized just writing about it right now. There’s another one I hadn’t considered. Hey, I’m not doing so bad.
this is actually a kaleidoscope image I made of my own face
Then why do you invest in these relationships? Marianne asked last night.
Sometimes in life you don’t know, until you know. Then you gotta make that subtle turn. Or hang on, continuing to get stung. But today, I choose to let go and turn. Ever so slightly, maybe imperceptibly, but a strong, committed turn for me. As A Course in Miracles says, a miracle is nothing more than a change in perception.
In addition to this awareness, I’m also grateful that I have a life with the freedom and wherewithall to dust myself off and drive at 10pm on a Saturday night for soul food and conversation.
If someone’s gonna toss me crumbs, I can still create my own banquet.
And with that being said, I’ve got a Soup Swap to attend and will write it about that later.
I just needed to say these things first.
Now here’s a Sunday morning moment of Zen. Enjoy. 🙂