kaleidoscope

Standard

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“Be a part of a human kaleidoscope!”

I wrote that yesterday as part of an invitation to a dance/movement class I teach in Sedona coming up in a couple of weeks.  We explore all different forms of movement together including that one–the human kaleidoscope.  It’s super fun and something I look forward to when I get the opportunity to teach it a few times a year up there.  The kaleidoscope part of the class is all about experiencing yourself in different positions and shapes and continually changing, yet still part of a connected whole that’s also continually changing around you.  Really physically embodying that.  It generates the most feedback of any other part of that 90 minute class.

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Funny I woke up this morning thinking about that very thing.  I guess I gave myself an admonition through my own words yesterday.

I got real sad yesterday afternoon/last evening.  That kind of sad where you’re driving and your jaw is quivering and you’re holding back tears because you’ve just put on makeup and don’t want it ruined before you even get where you’re going.  Yeah, that.

It was good that I was going up to Late Night Love to eat Charleen’s soul food again and share with my friend Marianne who I knew would exactly understand what was making me sad.

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The details aren’t important but the theme is what I want to share.  Let’s just say I got hit with a reality that comes up, understandably, in my life from time to time.  I say understandably because when a person is 53 and single, you do get to be reminded, often, about how the world is often spinning on it’s axis in a two by two posture.  And just when you feel like you’ve found a place of belonging, the world will remind you again just where you stand.  Just a little bit on the outside.  A little bit looking in.

It often feels like there’s this race and the goal is to get on the Ark and once you get there, ahhhh…I made it, I can now be amongst the world of two by two and thank God I don’t ever have to be out there swimming again.  I know I’ve written about this theme before and I guess I will keep writing about it until…well until I don’t need to anymore for any reason.  It’s a deep one for me.

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I got hit by that reminder within 24 hours yesterday by two well meaning people who had no intention really of pushing that button.  In fact one did so in the middle of an apology for doing just that thing.  And at the same time, did it again.

Being single, I don’t know, sometimes people think it’s just ok to let you know that you’re considered on the back burner in case a slot opens up for you in the world of couples.  That somehow you’re just sitting around waiting for that lucky, coveted spot.  The one that why would you ever consider yourself deserving of, all by your self, all by your lonesome when it’s part of a PAIR, that spot?  But oh, now there might be a last minute cancellation of one of the pairs so surely you can fill it now, right?  Would love to have you.  Would really love to see you.  In a couple of hours.  In case the other person doesn’t show.

Or in the form of “I sure am thinking about all the fun times we used to have doing this one thing now that I’m doing that exact thing we discovered to do together with someone new and reminding you we will never do it again even though it was OUR thing, but I’m thinking of our special times together!”.  Great.

It’s not intentional salt in the would but nonetheless it’s there, stinging.  And we’re just supposed to take it.  Or rather, I’m just supposed to take it.

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Oh I’m so happy for you that you’ve replaced me with what you were really wanting all along.  I’m just so happy for you!

Oh, sure of course you wouldn’t think to invite me on the front end but gee, if I’m lucky enough a space will open up at the last minute and since I’m always just sitting here, alone without plans on a Saturday night, I’d be honored and so blessed to fill that for you!.

Blech.

It stings, of course it does.  And I got real sad last night thinking about it.

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But instead of staying home, feeling sorry for myself, I got my ass dressed, makeup on and went out for Pho with Marianne and just let it out.  She’s single too so this is not a new story for her.

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But I cried, I sure did cry.  And I felt like crap.

As I drove up to Scottsdale, shoving tears back in my throat, I remembered right after I lost Cindy I knew I’d lost an irreplacable and very specific thing that I’d have to navigate the rest of my life.

I lost being the most important person in someone’s life.  Being that person their axis spins on and they’d drop everything for.  It’s a huge commodity.  I knew I’d have that every day of my life with my sister and I lost it.  I’ve never felt it again.

I don’t know if I’ll get it again but this world is a scary and lonely place when you stare that fact in the face.   Like I did last night.  Like I’m doing right now.

And that’s about all the time I can give that thought at the moment.

Yet I woke up this morning thinking about that kaleidoscope.  How it’s always just so subtlely shifting but always changing your perspective in to something new, something equally as beautiful as the last and the next image.

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How fortunate I feel to know this and have the freedom to live it.  That sometimes it’s just that, a simple shift in perspective.  Oh, now I know what this is and isn’t so I’ll just shift my idea/expectation/plan and see what it is vs. what I thought it was.  And if it’s something that fits for me.  Because there’s another view waiting, that’s for sure.

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Like the reminding myself that I do have coupled friends who make me a priority.  I don’t know how they do it but they manage to pull that off with finesse.  Also I have a cousin who does.  Interestingly it shows up when you least expect it, just like a new pop of color entering in to that kaleidoscope image.

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All three of the women I’m thinking about right now have little kids at home, one of whom has special needs.  And then there’s the boys in Sedona.  I have more of that other thing than I realized just writing about it right now.  There’s another one I hadn’t considered.  Hey, I’m not doing so bad.

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this is actually a kaleidoscope image I made of my own face

Then why do you invest in these relationships? Marianne asked last night.

Boom.

Sometimes in life you don’t know, until you know.  Then you gotta make that subtle turn.  Or hang on, continuing to get stung.  But today, I choose to let go and turn.   Ever so slightly, maybe imperceptibly, but a strong, committed turn for me.  As A Course in Miracles says, a miracle is nothing more than a change in perception.

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In addition to this awareness, I’m also grateful that I have a life with the freedom and wherewithall to dust myself off and drive at 10pm on a Saturday night for soul food and conversation.

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If someone’s gonna toss me crumbs, I can still create my own banquet.

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And with that being said, I’ve got a Soup Swap to attend and will write it about that later.

I just needed to say these things first.

Now here’s a Sunday morning moment of Zen.  Enjoy. 🙂

13 thoughts on “kaleidoscope

  1. What an interesting way of describing the single life…at mid-life. Keep the faith babe. The good thing about kaleidoscopes is that they change with the slightest shift or movement. Energy is shifting constantly. Our ability to shift with it is challenging. Keep the Faith! Life IS good 🙂

  2. Susan Baker

    you to seem in this writing to not be aware of how absolutely amazing you are. Almost that YOU would not be complete without an additional half. You are so 100% right now. And one other thing – we would not and I mean I would not be blessed with who you are right now if your life was not EXACTLY what is has been and is. We get you they way you are to teach us, enlighten us, bless us. If your life path had been different in any experience -good/bad/sad/lonely/happy/joy-filled etc. you would not be able to be the miracle you share so openly. I pray you are aware that your life, just the way it is – blesses so many other lives. Might not have ever happened if you were tethered to someone.

    • spellbound4

      I can think of nothing to add, as you seem to have tapped into my heart, Susan. When ever I complain of something being wrong with me or my life, my hubby says I would not be me if it was any other way. KCL, all your experiences, good and bad, have brought you to this day, and we probably would not have crossed paths if anything had changed even a tiny squosh. Of course, it’s nice to have a place to share our souls like this!

  3. Shelley

    LOVE the OM video and the kaleidoscope -! I admire you for all you are doing despite all you have been through. I so hear you about not making people a priority who don’t make you one too. Illness or extreme difficulty can certainly push us harder toward transformation. Pain is a great motivator. When we have an experience that is beyond our control, we are forced to see our powerlessness. We can’t “do” anything about it, so we must go inward to make sense of it and move toward acceptance.

  4. norsegirl

    I would have loved to meet you last night… I would have cried my eyes out along with you- because I think you are great and worthy of a first rate spot and would have been mad, sad and hurt that someone else didn’t! I look forward every day to reading your posts and I (along with so many others) think you are amazeballs (I got that from one of Drakes old TA’s). If you knew me better, one thing you would know about me is I cannot stand for anyone to be left out. I have never understood the “couples only” thing… really- ever. I remember my granny sharing that after my grandpa died she stopped being invited to most of the places with the closest people in their life- she wasn’t a part of a ‘couple’ anymore, so she wasn’t included. I always thought that was so shi**y. I guess since then I expect that with octogenarians but certainly not with a youngish crowd. Even then I didn’t think it was nice and certainly couldn’t understand it- especially leaving someone out who had been dealt such a devastating blow in the first place. Kind of a kick her while she’s down sort of thing. I am glad you realize the special and wonderful friends you DO have and what you mean to them and visa-versa, those are the people who deserve your company… because you my dear are special. Big (((((hugs))))) from me.

  5. Angie

    Ditto what Susan Baker said Kathy… I’m not totally understanding what all this is about but it makes me very very sad because I happen to know how much you are loved and adored. I am hoping this was isolated and not a regular thing. I also know there is another someone with a huge heart who loves you dearly that is hurting very badly today. I hope you two can talk. On another note, the soup swap sounded like a blast! That would’ve been right up my alley 😋😃 You are always posting such fun things….Sedona, craft projects, and awesome trips to fun places, spas and classes….not to mention the fabulous looking restaurants….and yummy FOOD. The way you present your life at times makes it seem “full”…..if that makes sense. This is just another perspective that perhaps you haven’t thought of. I’ve secretly wished (honest to God truth) that you would invite me along to participate in a craft project (I too am a “crafty queen” 😉) or some fun class because I would LOVE it! I asked you a week or so ago about your thoughts on having a little get together at my house with a few friends and some wine to maybe work on sunburst mirrors. I realize now the project is probably too large to do in an evening but honestly, a finished project was not what I was hoping to achieve. Fact is, I absolutely love doing crafty things and it sounded like a fun opportunity to get together for some wine and great conversation. Maybe a smaller project would have been better, but you get the idea. Kathy, I didn’t want the “tutorial”. I wanted YOU and the light you bring into my life when I’m with you. It was my attempt towards “investing” in a friendship that is important to me. Just think about this for a minute… The mirrors and pieces of glass in the Kaleidoscope that produce the changing patterns that are visible through the eyehole will most likely never look the same through two different sets of eyeballs. There is always a different perspective through another set of eyes that is just as real, just as colorful, just as complicated, and just as beautiful. I love you Kathy. I can’t wait to see you! ❤️

    • Hi Angie, I think I had a moment of resistance to a sunburst mirror evening as I know how many weeks it took me to do it and honestly just coming off that involved project, the last thing I want to delve in to is another sunburst mirror at the moment! lol But I always have lots of ideas and supplies and love the idea of doing a crafty evening! In fact I have Christmas ideas on my mind right now and a crazy full craft room full of C R A P I’d like to use up…maybe make a garland or wreath? Bring your own glue gun and I could bring over tons of STUFF or you could come over and we could go thru it together and pull materials and people could just bring their own garland or wreath basic deal and their own glue gun? That would be easily accomplishable in one gathering and everyone would have a fun new Christmas decoration..what do you think?
      Yes, things will iron out…I’m going to see my shrink today so I’ll get to the bottom of things. I DO fill up my life but most people don’t realize two things: 1. I usually am the one making plans and 2. I’m usually doing things alone. I meet people along the way but a life of too much alone time or mostly time with a mentally ill sibling is very isolating at times. And life with no significant other is torture at times. And life with tons of loss combined with all of the above, backs up on me at times. So….hence, my shrink. 😉
      Love you too…let’s get our craft on the calendar, ok? Also really need to reschedule the Sedona trip…I think I’ll just pick a weekend and who can come is who will come! 🙂

  6. Laura Jackson

    Kathy,
    Oooh boy did this one ring bells for me! I spend alot of time alone, due to my bad health, loss of family, loss of friends that I thought would never throw me under the bus for a New boyfriend, after 30+ years of friendship, plus most of my long term friends are married. I’m 54 come November, so know just how that feels, also my father was abusive. My soon moved away to live back East and I never married his father. So I talk alot to my dog! Thank you for being so open and vulnerable, it helps others in ways you don’t even know (((hug)))

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