Most of yesterday was rough. It was almost worst than the first day after I lost Buddy. Actually it was worse.
I think after all of the googling and reading and writing and diving in to it and basically just giving myself permission to be stuck solid, I don’t know, something started to shift late afternoon.
I had sent Steve over to my brother’s as I just couldn’t breathe with another person breathing in the same room. I don’t know how better else to explain it.
He in his non defensive way just said “whatever you need” and headed over there. Of course I found out later he dove in to various chores around my brother’s house. John’s house is going to be so spic and span and organized when he gets home I’m sure he won’t be able to find anything since the chaos has been ordered. 😉
not an actual photo but close 😉
Mid afternoon, I decided I needed the rest of the weekend to myself to recover. That I couldn’t handle any interaction at all. This is a way I’ve coped my entire life; retreating, alone.
(I almost never use a semi colon, I hope that was the proper placement 😉 )
Around 3pm I phoned Steve up and said I wanted to get the other two cats moved over here and then if he could head home for the rest of the weekend I didn’t think I would be good company to hang out with. He said he understood and that he’d be over shortly with Coco in the carrier. Then we’d go back together and get the Nutball Lazlo who I’d not forgotten him breaking his own paw in the transfer over there freaking out in the carrier resulting in an ER visit and $300 Vet bill. We figured that one was a two person job.
Steve came back with Coco, grabbed his stuff then we went together to get Laz. On the way there I asked him to stop at Dutch Brothers and got us both a coffee (well Steve a Chai) and I don’t know, I think that’s where the thawing began out there in that 100 something degree muggy heat.
Steve started making me laugh.
that’s Buddy’s tail wrapped around his neck just last weekend 😦
By the time we retrieved Lazlo and got him in the car (and I saw all the work Steve had done at John’s place) I’d changed my mind and asked him to stay. He laughed and just said “Ok, I can if that’s what you want….women!”. We both laughed. But he wasn’t judging me. He understood. He lost his beloved Duke just earlier this year. I don’t have to explain any of this to him.
For the first time in a long time, in a moment like this, I felt like it would be better for me to be with someone than be alone. This was kind of a breakthrough.
I reflected on my promise to Buddy, about how I would do my best to live on his legacy. How he moved from a beginning life of terror to one of bonding.
Maybe this was a first step for me.
Steve ran back to the Redbox and got two suspense movies, Argo (so good) and The Call (so creepy!) and we got back to our laughing, eating hot fudge Sundaes and freaking out on the couch to edge of your seat suspense. He says I make him laugh in a way most people don’t. I think it’s because I bounce off his humor.
Or maybe because I’m 1000% myself around him. He’s seen me at my absolute worse, unshowered, no makeup, clothes damp with Lazlo’s cat pee from his car freakout in my lap (even though the towel), grief stricken and he still likes me.
We watched the three cats get acquainted again. I also saw Sabine come out of her freeze on that one dining room chair she slung her head over for hours. For two days.
Even if she was hissing at Lazlo , she was moving.
I woke up this morning after a dream where I was really happy. Sabine was next to me on the bed.
So here I sit, Lazlo purring and kneading the back of the chair behind me-Buddy’s favorite spot, Coco near the window as usual and Sabine walking around negotiating her new normal in her own home. She and Coco ate breakfast side by side this morning.
Steve’s upstairs still sleeping. It was a late night double feature.
And today I’m the one who has plans for us.
And they involve walking, exploring, laughing and eating. And getting out of the house/cave.
We’re all coming alive again.
It’s a paradox, this freezing/thawing business. The more deeply you go in to the freeze space, the more committed you are to it, the more swift the thawing.
I don’t know about you, but I’ll take my pain now rather than later these days.
There’s too much to live for. Just as all who have passed before me would want for me.