John is back in the hospital.
Yesterday was another level of nightmare dealing with this whole thing.
I have a sign up in my office that reads something like this:
I’ve seen this quote attributed so many times to Marilyn Monroe and I’m not sure I believe she ever really said that but right now I’m hanging on to Marilyn for dear life and sending up prayers to her, to my mother to my sister to my grandma to anyone up there who knows my brother’s dear heart and will speak to it in a way he can hear.
John is obsessed with Marilyn Monroe as I’ve shared in another post so I will be peppering this post with her image as my brother gleans some kind of support from her which I don’t even need to understand. I just need to bring back some kind of normal in the way I’m looking at him right now.
Yesterday, plain and simple, was another level of chaos for both of us. I worked all day and between my appointments, dealing with other people in a high level of acuity of stress and pain, I fielded phone calls from John’s program and my Dad about how they were initiating a court ordered involuntary admission.
I spent my entire hour lunch break on the phone talking to someone or another about this as John waited at his program for a police escort to take him to a “holding area” for “one or two days” while awaiting a bed in the court ordered hospital.
As I write this, finally the tears I held back all day yesterday are falling down my face.
Just the thought of him in that prison like environment for one hour, much less two days, is almost too much for me to bear.
The staff at his program felt the care he’s gotten recently at the prior hospitalization plus his crappy bullshit Psychiatrist was actually doing more harm than good and assessed him at a level of acuity that this was what they needed to do. He was a harm to himself and others. The believed the court ordered hospital would be a safer place plus provide him better care. I was terrified of one thing: no smoking. I don’t understand why they would take mentally ill people, often addicted to cigarettes, and rip that one coping mechanism away from them abruptly in a crisis.
I was also firing off emails to my new attorney who is an absolute angel, writing me back immediately with plans and support how to navigate this. All the while I had one person on my table waiting for me and another with questions standing next to me, basically all day long.
Chick Arnold set me up with an appointment at his office Monday with a new Psychiatrist who he trusts and this next week the whole new plan for dealing with John with new higher level professionals and systems, begins. It will take awhile to get him plugged in to it all, but it will be worth it. He was shocked we’d been surviving in the public sector services for so long. He’s a goldmine of information/resources. One program for example is this one:
http://www.planofaz.org/index.html
John being in the hospital will give me time to get the ball rolling in lots of these areas.
Somewhere midday I got a call from his program coordinator telling me they’d scrapped the court ordered deal as the “Crisis Management Team” came out to intervene and arrange a police escort but instead changed the plan as John agreed to go voluntarily. So they sent him alone, via ambulance, to his prior hospital and basically dumped him off without an escort.
John proceeded to immediately call me to come pick him up. I was still treating clients when all this went on.
Balancing my work life and intervening in John’s crises is something I’m continually struggling with. It’s like I’m having to make these snap decisions about who’s pain is more important for me to deal with in the moment. My own pain/stress almost never gets addressed anymore, unless I leave town that is. Sometimes I feel like my entire life is looking around myself 360 and seeing pain upon pain I need to take care of around me. I create my own cracks then step right in to them and fall. That’s changing too.
I’ve lost so much income scrapping my work day and rushing to John’s side. I only make an income when I work, it’s just that simple.
Yesterday as it seemed the program had all of this in process and frankly I didn’t want to rescue any of them by rushing over to pick him up like I typically do, landing with my car/home/life as it’s own Psychiatric hospital, I let the whole thing unfold. While dealing with other people in their own degrees of crisis having to turn off my mind and focus on them over and over again. I can’t survive too many more days like that. It’s just too much for most anyone.
After John called me begging me on a voice mail to come take him home, I began , hurriedly, trying to call the hospital to see where he was, if was still there, had he walked out, what was going on. He had his keys and his wallet. He could have walked out, totally dangerous to himself and others and gotten to his car. I was doing this between client appointments.
Finally at the end of my work day I got notice he’d been admitted. He went willingly.
After my last client, I ran to his condo, grabbed clothes, cigarettes, toiletries and went to see him rushing in under the wire at 7:50 as visiting hours end at 8.
He was/is in a basement unit. I can’t/wont describe just how awful it was. He was mad, paranoid, yelling at everyone, “suicidal” (his word, to me). He had two male nurses who talked to me for quite awhile. I told John I was taking his keys back home and that made him more paranoid but I really don’t care. He can walk out of that hospital AMA and could take a cab to his car. I will always err on the side of his safety.
The nurses encouraged me to write a note to John’s Dr. which I did as I was super pissed he’d been discharged while unstable two weeks ago. Also that his crappy incompetent Psychiatrist didn’t readmit him last Wednesday when we were in there for an appointment and John was openly telling him, yelling, that I was trying to poison him and to have his pills checked at the lab.
Chick Arnold reinforced that the public systems are burnt out and poorly staffed but there is another level of nirvana (my word) that can truly help John. You just have to pay for it which I will scrape my last dollar to do for him. Luckily money isn’t the problem in our family as it is for most mentally ill persons and I’m going to go First Class for him.
Just as I found when I got him the ticket to move out here…a first class plane ticket. In fact, John will never fly other than First Class again on any level if I have any say in the matter. And I am getting ready to have even more say as his Power of Attorney.
I won’t give up on him. I won’t allow his illness to let me see him as those horrible thoughts and words. That is not my dear brother. That is pain and illness talking and nothing more.
We are in the thick of it now, no doubt. But I’m assembling an Army and have the time to do it and space now that he’s safe and cared for.
And I’ll be back tonite, bringing him a new shaver so he doesn’t have to grow a beard like last hospitalization and I will steel myself to all of his fear and insults and keep telling him over and over that I love him and believe he will get well again, hoping it will sink in and touch him somewhere in there.
Like I always do.
two innocents 
I am here if you need me for anything. Sounds like these Mini retreats are giving you some time to re-energize just enough to push ahead. Stay strong…and carry on 🙂
Praying for John & you {HUGS}
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kathy}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You can add me to your army, even though there’s nothing I can do but send hugs and pray. You are doing all you can…and beyond.
When the dust settles a little, can you get some ongoing, systematic emotional support for YOU (group, counselor, whatever)? I’m so glad you have your blog for venting, but I want you to have more! A safe nurturing place to be angry, cry and be wrapped in support every week…that you can count on. That is my wish for you.
I am definitely asking the Guru of all things in Mental Illnessland of AZ that question on Monday (my attorney). Where the best support group is. I don’t want a place to just bitch (guess I’m doing that here lol) but a place for upliftment with other positive people looking to get stronger. I will find it. Thanks sweetie.
I was hoping you would ask your attorney for an uplifting support group, Kathy. You will find it. 🙂
Oh No! All these mountains to climb will wear you out in no time, my friend. I know this blog came at the right time to bring you some support, but we can only be the virtual huggers. It does seem life throws you more than your share of curve balls. All the words I can give will only be words…….I honestly wish I could help out in more ways than that. Please, please ….. listen to your heart and your soul and do everything in your power to also take care of yourself. A long soak in a bubble bath with a glass of wine and a closure of your mind at least until the water is too cool to linger might be one start. I worry so about your own sanity, my dear.
I am glad we have each other, no matter how far apart we all live. Sincere prayers coming your way for all of your family, Ms. Kathy.
(FYI, I changed to WordPress account, so I had to add the number 4 after my Spellbound name, but I am the same person!)
It sounds like you’re running on pure adrenaline…spellbound4 above wrote about a lingering bubble bath and a glass of wine…that sure sounds like a good plan, to me! I’m sending additional hugs, prayers, & positive thoughts your way – and John’s, too.
{{{{Kathy}}}} My heart and prayers go out to you and John. Complicated and distressing…it makes me think of having sought support when having to deal with a dual issue of mental illness complicated with drug/alcohol addictions. (my son) No easy task. Without recourse and being ‘resigned to inevitable set backs’ was how I was to cope until I could find a group that recognized there was a need in our community for those (family members) dealing with just that, a two edged sword. Believe me, the “drug world” is the hardest to penetrate when it comes to group sessions. They were a wealth of information, my “buoy” as it were, when I felt adrift and alone. Bitching is productive, it’s where change meets the road. Outside support is just another bonus. Virtual hugs and feelings expressed.
Here I might add, a “transitional group home” format proved to be an advocate for re-entry to the home setting, family and society once stabilization was met in recovery (drug/alcohol) and medication(s) (stabilization) proved effective for the mental illness. A new way to cope during that transitional period (through the group home) meant the potential for stress induced set-backs having a greater chance for a continued successful recovery. Medication stabilization being the operative words here of course. B follows A.
I’m wondering if perhaps there may be something there, which Chick Arnold may know, that is somewhat similar for those working with schizophrenia, a transitional setting once medications appear to stabilize. It’s just a thought…because I wondered if the stress of moving, setting up a new home life and the medication changes may have added to John’s recurrent episode frequency.
Ending on a “punny” note; in the interim Kiddo, I know you have your tasks at hand, much support here and…with STEVE. (please have him cloned and sent to me) Yes, he resembles Mark Wahlberg. “The Other Guys.” My favorite movie with him…so punny. It bears repeating. I’m always reminded of something after reading your posts…check this one out. In Urgent care we often received those from foreign countries that didn’t speak English. My ability to speak English was of no help when often, it came to pronouncing their names. When this name crossed my path, Phuc N’ Toe, I promptly handed the chart to our Chief and said; “you call him back, I’m not going to blurt that one out.”
Mr. Dingle was another story. ;- } XXOO
OMG that story really made me LOL! xoxo
I must have the famous STEVE read it!
LMBO…I’m glad. Laughing out loud, STEVE and Thai food…it’s a good recipe. It’ll save ya 30 mins. walking in the opposite direction. XXOO
lol yes it will…STEVE is coming for the weekend! My angel! 😀
OOOOhhhhhhh Kathy !!
I’m so sorry that you barely get through one challenge then the next comes roaring in like a flood. Like you, I have placed my hope and trust in Attorney Chick Arnold. May he be guided by God and may the direction he puts you in be the direct route to your own Peace of mind. John needs you yes BUT Kathy needs Kathy more right now. Please know that I mean this in an only Christlike way. You can’t be good for anyone until you regroup and allow yourself to be tired AND realize that you are allowed to tend to your own needs before everyone else’s needs.
I know that I’m not saying anything that you haven’t already thought of yourself. You are one smart girl. You know you deserve a break in this life. You already know that John’s illness is doing the talking right now. Isn’t it OK for you to take a day off or perhaps visit John every other day instead of daily? Only you know the the right answer. If I’m being to presumptuous, I ask forgiveness. Advice is all too easily given; even when well intended it can sound like I/we know what you need better than you do. Like your other friends, I am worried about you. I fear you may be so exhausted
Oh Kathy –
I just came back from a break because I knew I was preaching before. I want to erase what I put above but decided not to because it all came from my Heart.
I have Faith in you and the choices that you make. May you slow down enough to at least catch your breath. Amen
God Bless You and John along with all who love and care about you.
♥ ♥ ♥ Paula
Shoot just wrote a reply then lost it. I appreciate all your wrote Paula…thank you so much. STEVE my angel is coming to spend the weekend with me this weekend and we’ll laugh, eat good food, go out to a movie and get my toilet fixed! lol He will also participate in Sunday’s Day of Service for Travis we are all doing on Travis’ birthday, organized by Tanisha. Steve will be there with me! xo
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK You for the reply.
I was nervous that I was being too forward. I hadn’t yet read about Steve other then the post just before ‘Steve’ post where you mentioned him but said you would leave him for an entire post. I went to bed last night before I saw it so I wasn’t aware about all of his wonderful and endearing qualities because I read today’s post first. Am I the queen of run-on sentences or what LOLLLLL? I thank God for him and your re-connection.
Thank You for the update on Travis. I’m so glad that Steve will also be there with you and Travis’s family. I would be there if I lived closer (if it were open to the public who also love Travis). Please say a prayer there for me Kathy and Thank You for doing so.
God Bless Always!
♥ ♥ ♥ Paula
So glad you have Steve ‘s hand to hold this weekend,KCL !
Wow, a tough day..my heart goes out to your brother..I had tears in my eyes seeing Marylyn’s pics up as I remembered how he loves her so. I pray he receives the help he needs to get through this…may angels surround and protect you both through this journey! Big hugs fom kiminnm !
God Bless. ❤
Sending you and John lots of Love.
Just to say you’re in my thoughts. Am rooting for you and John with all my heart. ((hugs))
Thanks to everyone…now I’m running my poor cat in to the Vet who’s *whatever is going on with him* has been neglected for two weeks. Add Buddy to the prayer list. xo
What an emotional roller-coaster you are on, Ms Kathy. Special thoughts for your cat… I hope it isn’t anything too serious and he is back to a happy companion. Cats often bring a special sense of calm.
I am so glad that Steve is coming to spend more time with you. He seems adorable and so thoughtful. The best kind of friend to have.
You have remarkable friends here who really care about you, too. Silver threads of heart-tugs coming your way.
Looks like he likely has some kind of cancer in his jaw. My poor Buddy. 😦
I just want to breathe for you….. ❤ Prayers for John, for you, for your Dad, for Buddy, for your clients, for your practice, for your work with Travis and his family, for your work on Cindy's behalf, for IOPP, for the Lord to cradle you in His palm and give you sweet peace and sweet rest tonight.
KCL, I am beyond sorry about your Buddy 😦 If only I could take some of your burdens from your shoulders…. my heart hurts for you and all you have to deal with on your own. I would be a puddle of mush by now. You have my thoughts and prayers, and hopes for some good to make its appearance soon.
So sorry to hear about buddy! Good grief…..shaking my head and sending lots of love your way!!
Well it may sound worse than it is. We did a full blood workup on him, she did x rays of his whole body other than his head which they need to use sedation for. It appears no tumors thru the rest of his body, just this hard mass on his jaw which is making his tongue protrude and he’s drooling and hasn’t been eating well. She’s trying an antibiotic (not exactly sure why) and gave me a pain med (also not sure why but I’ll try it just in case) and I’m gonna have him see a holistic vet in two weeks (her earliest). He’s eating though this crazy concoction I’m whipping up in my Magic Bullet of his favorite things and some supplements snuck in…he laps it up like crazy! So that’s good. My precious Buddy who’s been with me for 14 years. I can’t imagine life without him. 😦
Adding prayers for Buddy. Pets are family.
Is there any news on your “Buddy” Kathy?
♥ ♥ ♥ Paula
Sending healing thoughts for your Buddy. Anyone who has had pets knows how attached we can be. Poor things can’t tell us where or when it hurts. Buddy has the best caregiver!
KCL…you are an Angel. Lots of prayers for your family…