I don’t know exactly why this photo appeals to me right now but it somehow describes how I’m feeling. Or maybe how I wish I was feeling.
Took John in to his Day Treatment Program this morning and met with his case manager who said to me “the stress of this is showing on you, you’re not your normal smiling self, I’m concerned about you”.
I don’t know him well enough to tell him I’m on the 4th day of a gallbladder cleanse and should be in bed. A little TMI there but interesting he should not only observe that but feel strongly enough to share it with me. Of course I’m feeling about 12 shades of exhausted.
John claims his voices are down but he appears very close to how he was yesterday to me. At least he wasn’t yelling at me this morning like he was yesterday telling me I’m going to Hell, our whole family is in Hell, his father is Lucifer, I’m an atheist and should believe and asking me “do you care about me at all Kathy?”. You just can’t negotiate with Paranoid Schizophrenia or personalize it. It’s a task of staying open and loving and armored at the same time.
One thing I’ve noticed is each time I reach out to hold his hand or hug him he grasps me back tightly. Poor guy is hanging on for dear life. We both are.
I heard him say to his case manager this morning “I’m ready to go. I’m tired of being alive”. I’m sure he is.
I’m hoping that new medication kicks in today as we all know he’s very close to being hospitalized again.
With my father out of the country, me leaving for a week’s trip in 10 days to also be out of the country, this is just not what any of us wants to consider at all.
Vinu, John’s case manager kept reinforcing to me I need to take care of myself. Schizophrenia, especially when acute like this, is just a black hole sucking everyone in to it.
He expressed to me his own disappointment in John’s relapse and I could swear he teared up himself as I did. It is disappointing. Just when you think you’re out of the woods, BAM, there it is again.
This is my life for the duration.
I’m clutching on to what I’m to learn, how I’m to grow from all of this. And wondering why our family has just been hammered with one tragedy after another. I don’t know. I don’t understand it.
And today, I’m not appreciating it one bit.